The 2024 Purity Test: Chronically Online Edition

Welcome to the 2024 Purity Test. We’ve seemingly entered a new age of technological innovation — artificial intelligence is no longer a big deal, and new iPhones are nothing special. There’s an app for everything now, toddlers have tablets attached to their faces, and for most of us, our screen-time is always in the double-digits. Although we’re all online, some are more in-tune than most. Is your personality based on internet trends? Do you live to fight with randoms in TikTok comment sections? You may be more chronically online than most — take the test to find out.

Most questions are framed as “Have you ever…?” Check off the box if you have done the activity and total your score to find out exactly how pure (or impure) you are!

Graphic by Robyn Huenemoerder.

CHRONICALLY ONLINE

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–
Started saying…

 Yas? (+1)

 POV? (+1)

 Be fucking for real? (+1)

 Slay? (+5)

 My Roman empire…? (+5)

—–

 Do you check the uAlberta subreddit daily? (+1)

 Complained about a prof? (+1)

 Complained about loud people in the library instead of telling them to shut up yourself? (+5)

 Asked for help on something that is easily searchable? (+10)

 Posted your schedule for your peers to judge? (+20)

—–

 Do you use TikTok as your primary search engine? (+5)

 Do you use @yegwave as your primary news source? (+5)

—–

 Doordashed from a fast food establishment that was ten minutes away? (+1)

 Selected the “leave it at my door” option to avoid all human contact? (+5)

—–

 Said you were in a situationship? (+5)

 Thought you were in a situationship? (+1)

 Thought it was a relationship, but it really, really wasn’t? (+10)

—–
Described your significant other as having…

 Golden retriever energy? (+1)

 Black cat energy? (+1)

—–

 Fought to the death on Ticketmaster for Eras Tour Tickets? (+1)

 During class? (+5)

 Accused people who successfully got tickets for being elitist and taking away from impoverished people? (+10)

—–

 Gotten really into the new Hunger Games movie? (+1)

 Rooted for Coriolanus Snow because he’s hot? (+5)

 Made TikTok edits of him? (+10)

—–

 Explained to someone the controversy behind a male comedian? (+1)

 It was Matt Rife? (+5)

—–
Done these viral food trends…

 Ice cream wrapped in a fruit roll-up? (+1)

 The Tiffany diet? (+5)

 Chamoy pickle? (+10)

—–

 You don’t have X? (-1)

 You don’t have Instagram? (-5)

 You don’t have Threads? (-1)

 You don’t have any social media? (-10)

 Your favourite social media app is eClass? (+5)

—–

 Bragged about how much better you are because you don’t have X, Instagram, or TikTok? (+1)

 You still use those platforms anyway? (+2)

 You just use Reddit instead? (+5)

—–

 You can only watch TikTok videos if Subway Surfer gameplay videos are playing underneath? (+1)

 You lose interest in TikToks that are longer than 10 seconds? (+5)

—–

 Called people offensive for sharing and bragging about their lives on social media? (+1)

 Were they travelling somewhere you wanted to go? (+2)

 Were they just expressing love for people in their lives? (+5)

 Did the thing they were bagging about cause zero-harm to anyone, and you were just being dramatic? (+10)

—–

 Do you spend all your free time perusing subreddits like Am I the Asshole? (+1)

 Do you laugh at other people’s misery? (+2)

 Do you post on these subreddits? (+5)

 Do you make up stories on these subreddits for internet clout? (+10)

—–

 Do you post your hot takes on X even though no one asked? (+1)

VICES AND FUCK-UPS

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Lost your Arc Card? (+1)

 Lost your whole wallet? (+1)

—–
Walked slow in..

 The Chemistry hallway? (+1)

 Tory Building? (+5)

 HUB mall? (+10)

—–

 Plagiarized an entire essay? (+5)

 Used ChatGPT to write an assignment? (+1)

 Gotten away with it? (+10)

—–

 Told someone they shouldn’t attend the U of A? (+1)

 Did they attend MacEwan instead? (+5)

—–

 Bought a $200 textbook? (-10)

 You didn’t buy it? (+1)

 You pirated it online? (+5)

—–

 Skipped a class? (+1)

 Multiple classes? (+5)

 You only showed up to the midterm and final? (+10)

—–

 Bought monthly parking passes for a full semester? (+1)

 For the whole year? (+5)

 Been involved in a hit and run in the parking lot? (+10)

 Got hacked as a result? (+5)

—–

 Masturbated? (+1)

—–

 Sexted? (+1)

—–

 Clicked on a fake email offering you a U of A job? (+1)

SEX

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Kissed someone? (+1)

 During class? (+5)

 More than once in a day? (+1)

—–

 Performed a handjob, heavy petting, or fingering? (+1)

 During class? (+5)

—–

 Given/recieved oral sex? (+1)

 During class? (+5)

—–

 Had sex? (+1)

 In bed? (+1)

 In a car? (+1)

 In public? (+1)

 In a closed U of A library? (+5)

 In a U of A classroom? (+5)

—–

 Done anal? (+1)

—–

 69’ed? (+6.9)

—–

 Eaten ass? (+1)

—–

 Created an OnlyFans? (+1)

 To pay for exceptional tuition increases? (+5)

ALCOHOL, DRUGS, TATS

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Gone to a local brewery? (+1)

 Drank Prarie Fairy? (+1)

 Drank Alley Kat? (+1)

 Drank Sea Change Brewing Company? (+1)

 Thrown up? (+1)

—–

 Gotten day drunk during Week of Welcome? (+1)

 At Dewey’s? (+1)

 At Earl’s? (+1)

 At RATT? (+1)

—–

 Gotten day drunk at Last Class Bash? (+1)

—–

 Vaped? (+1)

—–

 Gotten high? (+1)

—–

 Bought drugs? (+1)

 On campus? (+5)

—–

 Sold drugs? (+1)

 On campus? (+5)

—–
Done…

 Cigarettes? (+1)

 Mushrooms? (+1)

 Adderall? (+1)

 MDMA/Ecstasy? (+5)

 Coke? (+5)

 LSD? (+5)

 Meth? (+10)

 Heroin? (+10)

—–

 Had a weed drink? (+1)

 And liked it? (+5)

—–

 Gotten matching tattoos with someone? (+1)

 Gotten matching tattoos with someone you’re no longer friends with? (+5)

 Gotten matching tattoos with a now ex-partner? (+50)

VIOLENCE

HAVE YOU EVER…
—–

 Pulled the Lister fire alarm knowing there was no fire? (+1)

 Between 12:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.? (+1)

—–

 Gotten a ticket on campus? (+1)

 Appealed it, even though you were 100 per cent at fault? (+5)

—–

 Gotten in a fight? (+1)

 Fistfight? (+1)

 Knifefight? (+1)

 Gunfight? (+1)

 Swordfight? (+1)

—–

 Owned a switchblade? (+1)

 Owned a gun? (+1)

—–

 Committed arson? (+5)

 Committed murder? (+10)

RANDOM

HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
—–

 Have you ever gotten stuck on the SUB elevator? (+1)

 Did your favourite food vendor move out of HUB mall? (+1)

 Had your bound dissertation accidentally thrown-out in a dumpster? (+5)

 Was your class moved last minute because the Humanities Centre closed? (+5)

 Have you gotten sick with COVID-19 in 2024? (+1)

 Did you vote in the 2023 provincial election? (-5)

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