It’s the holidays, which means you get to have all the candy canes and eggnog your heart desires, but we all know that hanging out with family can bring on a healthy dose of drama at the dinner table. Here are the top 5 ways you can enjoy your holidays and avoid a tearful breakdown from Aunt Becky!
5. Eat constantly
This is an absolute win-win situation. If your mouth is full of delicious Christmas food all the time then you can’t open your mouth and pop off at Uncle Chad for thinking some people should get less rights than others. Bonus points if you’re eating crunchy foods to block out the sounds of ignorance.
4. Offer to watch the kids
Listen, I know it’s not an ideal situation to be the babysitter of all your younger cousins, but you can throw on a movie or play hide and seek for a mostly quiet and relaxing time. Your family will be grateful for taking their Baby Yodas off their hands, and you get to avoid any passive-aggressive comments being thrown across the dinner table.
3. Let the ghost of Freud possess your body
Sometimes there’s no where to run and you have to politely sit with relatives and entertain their gossip. Embrace it. Have some fun psychoanalyzing them and figuring out why they’re behaving the way they are. Maybe Grandma Linda doesn’t “understand” how women can date each other because she secretly wanted to kiss her neighbour but thought those feelings were wrong. Whatever backstory you imagine, keep your thoughts to yourself.
2. Obsess about horses
Every time someone says something racist, just bring up horses. I mean, their anatomy is just ridiculous. How are those tiny legs holding up their massive bodies? Why are their heads shaped like that? Have you seen a horse’s teeth? I’m so glad horses aren’t a predator species.
1. Don’t go home
Just don’t go home. Run away. Fly to Hawaii. Become a hermit. Embark on a magical journey. Be free, Legolas.