SuppliedFruitcake gets a lot of shit.
Too much, in my opinion. Not only is it a delicious Christmas treat, but it’s also one of the only foods that can deliver all the nutrients a human needs to subsist in one simple package! It’s a great food for backpacking or outdoor survival, seeing as it won’t go bad and is so dense that a small piece provides enough energy for a whole day’s worth of hiking. It’s the real-world equivalent of Lembas bread! On top of all that, it has a whole bunch of other interesting uses that make it one of the most versatile food items known to humanity.
Fruitcake bricks make a great building material. They’re easily stackable, and sticky enough to hold together in high winds and rainstorms. The cake itself is so dense that it can withstand an enormous amount of pressure; your fruitcake hut will never collapse on you!
If you think about it, the Canadian army could probably use fruitcake as a weapon. A fruitcake, flying at great speeds (for example when launched from a trebuchet), acts as a mini black hole. The density of the cake is enough to draw things towards it. They’re pretty much like some sort of sci-fi implosion grenade!
Finally, fruitcake is a powerful tool for flirting with grandmas. If you’re into old ladies, fruitcake is your foot in the door! Either make one yourself and use it as a gift, or just act like you really love the fruitcake you’re offered. Whichever you prefer!
