Please return the golden toilet, for the good of society

On September 14, early in the morning, the unthinkable happened: The solid gold, fully functioning toilet of Blenheim Palace in Woodstock, England, was stolen.

It was a shock to us all when we heard about this. This was the people’s toilet, available for anyone visiting the palace to partake in and enjoy, and a group of thieves had the audacity to take it away from us. This is truly a dark time in history.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Why should I care about the golden toilet? I never used it. Besides, I live in Edmonton, on an entirely different continent. Why does this matter in the slightest?” And that is a fantastic question.

An 18-carat solid gold toilet is the purest, highest, and most elegant form of Western Culture™. If this transcendent cultural artifact is not sacred, then nothing is sacred.

This toilet must be returned. It was stolen two weeks ago, and the likelihood that it has been melted down for profit is only getting higher, but there’s still hope. We may still be able to save it. But we are in dire straights.

So far, two men have been arrested in this case, but our glorious toilet is still nowhere to be found, and I am certain more thieves are at large. Gold is (scientifically speaking) very heavy, and for two men alone to lift a toilet made of solid gold they would have to be (scientifically speaking) super ripped. I will not be satisfied until the toilet is found and all thieves, beefy or otherwise, are held in custody. After two weeks of searching, the police have given me nothing but disappointment. 

Not enough is being done to return my golden boy to his rightful place under the warm, comforting embrace of the British public’s bottom half. As long as these criminals are at large, as long as this toilet is lost, there is no hope in this world. That reality is more and more likely to become permanent as time goes on.

The Canadian government, at every level, must denounce the police force which has so far failed to deliver us justice, and must lend all the aid it can muster to the reclamation of this magnificent piece of art. I want complete mobilization of naval, air, and ground forces. To do anything less is to show complete disregard for our society’s well being. 

Whatever the fate of this toilet, our society will be changed forever. If it is found, we will be in a new age of safety for our opulent bathroom utilities. If it lost, then we will be in a world in which there is no solid gold toilet available for public use, and that’s a world I’d never want to be in.