The Wakefield Snoozer did nothing wrong

Upon returning home at 2:00 a.m. September 8, one Wakefield woman found someone a little bigger than Goldilocks fast asleep in her bed.

Police reports state that the self-admittedly drunk intruder entered the unlocked house before the woman had returned home, removed his shoes, and climbed into what he assumed was his own bed. For these actions, the man was fined $496, and he deserved these repercussions because he did break the law.

But where is the recognition for the Wakefield Snoozer’s continued home etiquette under the influence of alcohol? Where is the appreciation for the subconscious wisdom this man must have had to turn himself in to the nearest accessible haven, removing yet another drunkard from the dangerous streets at night? Where is the acknowledgement of this man as not a criminal, but a rare hero among countless unsavoury drunken intruders?

Common criminals don’t act with this kind of civility, especially when they’re as loaded as this man was. To head home and put himself out before the witching hour shows the responsible nature this man must have been partisan to. Prestigious members of society, politicians and corporate higher-ups alike, have behaved worse than the Wakefield Snoozer under the same circumstances. This is not to say that the Wakefield Snoozer is in any way better than these individuals, as doing so would be stating the obvious. 

“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” This is the ancient verbal agreement between bartenders and patrons, and it clearly states the patron is under no obligation to return to their own home. In fact, it would seem that the Wakefield Snoozer was so intent on following the letter of the law that he willingly relocated his person an unbelievable 18 kilometres from his own home. The lengths this paragon of plastering went to in order to fulfill his role in such an ancient ritual are truly unbelieveable.

The Wakefield Snoozer should be an example to us all. But so should the woman whose home he happened to grace that fateful night. After all, she was quickly willing to let bygones be bygones, and chose not to file an official complaint. Her show of good faith suggests she believes that as comrades in the human race it is our duty to give one another a place to rest our head from time to time. If only all of us could be so generous.

Clearly, September 8 was a blessed day for home invasions, and it’s all thanks to the inherent goodness in the Wakefield Snoozer’s heart. Few can come close to the politeness and respect this man displayed even under the influence, and even fewer could be so tactful after sobering up and being held accountable by the police. If such a thing were to happen again, Wakefield citizens can sleep easy knowing that this intruder means no harm, and is even reluctant to track mud onto the carpet. But for those nights when the Wakefield Snoozer is not out there getting absolutely zonked, please lock your doors.

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