Ah, university. It can be your dream come true, or your absolute nightmare. It’s a place where the tests are strict, the classes are huge, and most importantly, the alcohol flows freely. But with your newfound adulthood, you can’t always hold your liquor the way you probably should.
We’ve all been there. For better or for worse, you’ve undoubtedly learned what the worst ways to get drunk are. In case you’re new to the game, or you just need a reminder, we’ve compiled a handy list of five ways you don’t want to get drunk.
Light-headed and wallet-friendly
The first and arguably the worst way to get drunk is a time-honoured tradition: not eating all day so you can get drunk on the cheap. Look, I’m not saying you’ll puke or black out this way, but… you’ll probably puke or pass out this way. Though easy on your bank account, you’re more likely to get a hangover and act a fool like this. Just eat some pasta and buy a higher-proof alcohol, coward.
If you’re wealthy enough to do this, I say go for it. Buying the most expensive alcohol also means that you’re less likely to get a hangover from whatever radioactive sludge is hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Beefeater, so by all means, spend your money. I, however, am not keen on spending hundreds of dollars for a few hours of fun, so I’ll leave it to you.
I don’t know what it is or why, but every time I get drunk playing beer pong I am immeasurably more wasted than if I just drank the same amount normally. Maybe I really am drinking more than I think, but I doubt it. I can’t understand the laws of beer pong physics. I just know that whenever I play, I’m passed out on my front lawn at 11pm.
I don’t even really have to elaborate here. I’m sure you’ve all had cane sugar liquor coursing through your veins when you decide that the kitchen floor at a party is a really good place to take a nap, or that strapping yourself to the roof of a car to play chicken Crybaby-style is the best idea you’ve had all night. It’s too late for me to save myself from the wiles of this liquid black liquorice, but not for you.
Taste no evil (a monkey’s lunch)
This drink will eat you alive. You’re the one who’s lunch, not the drink. In case you don’t know, a monkey’s lunch contains Kahlua, milk, and banana liqueur. Remember when you had to take antibiotics as a kid, the doctor gave you the banana flavour, and you always begged for more because it tasted so good? This is the grown-up version of that. You can pound ten of these and not bat an eye, but the milk content means that it’s more likely to come up than stay down. If you’re not fond of puking your brains out, don’t get drunk on a monkey’s lunch.