Top 5: Reasons Captain Marvel is bad, even though I haven’t seen it

This Top 5 is a response to Global Edmonton’s “Rotten Tomatoes adopts new policy to stop sabotage of movie ratings.”

With the release of Marvel Studios’ next blockbuster, aptly named Captain Marvel, fast approaching, I was ready to rush to the box office for my ticket. That is, until I saw the Rotten Tomatoes reviews of the movie, which gave me a true insight into this SJW pile of TRASH.

However, Rotten Tomatoes has changed its policy so that those hard-working, salt-of-the-earth reviewers aren’t able to review a movie that hasn’t been released yet. What a disappointment. Those early-access reviewers were doing God’s work!

That website has infringed on our freeze peach for the last time! Thus, I’ve taken it on myself to provide my own, incredibly serious review. I’ve never seen it, but I have five reasons why Captain Marvel is a garbage movie for garbage people.

1. It’s sexist and racist.

Let’s get the big one out of the way first. Marvel was following in the footsteps of Ghostbusters and The Last Jedi, clearly out to check as many boxes as it could. We already got Wonder Woman; there’s no need for studios to gratuitously remind us that women exist. To have an over-saturation of these female-driven superhero movies with entertaining stories that confront parts of the human condition in the same decade is ridiculous.

Also, Samuel L. Jackson is there and is black, so the movie’s racist against white people. You know who isn’t in the movie? Any kind of ‘90s hacker, showing that gamers are the real oppressed minority in this world.

2. It’s set in the ‘90s.

Now nineties kids have something else to be pretentious about. This raging dumpster fire may as well have a “Sponsored by Buzzfeed” sign over it. Plus, it isn’t even historically accurate. In the trailer, there was nary a glitter jelly bracelet, Polly Pocket, dial-up, or geometric wallpaper in sight! Disgraceful.

3. It’s an obvious cash grab. (Okay, this one might be legit.)

There’s absolutely no need to put this movie between Infinity War and Endgame. The timeline is jumping all over the place, and I can’t be bothered to keep track. This PC baby-puke-coated film’s entire raison d’être is to sell tickets to gullible consumers just so they’ll know what’s going on for the next Marvel-flavoured Smash Bros. movie.

It’s not like Marvel is a company purposefully trying to maximize their profits or anything. Point is, the whole movie is basically a Naruto filler episode.

4. Samuel L. Jackson is a Benjamin Button-esque wizard.

That dude is 70 years old. In this two-hour liberal propaganda piece, he plays a young Nick Fury that’s maybe 40 at most. That can only mean Jackson has used some kind of alchemical elixir of life to keep his role away from the greedy hands of Keegan Michael Key.

The use of this strange magic is unwelcome in my good Christian movie theatre. The power of Christ compels you, sir!

5. Brie Larson is an unlikable shrew.

Thanos might have made half the universe disappear, but Larson can evacuate a theatre like no other. I don’t know her personally, but I get a bad vibe from her. Did you see the way she punched that old lady in the trailer? She’s not even smiling in any of the movie posters.

How frigid and unfriendly can you be, woman? Not the face you’d like to see from a decorated civil servant like a captain. Sure, Captain America didn’t smile, but that’s because he was fighting Nazis. What’s your excuse, Brie? Plus, Brie is a dumb name.