Get ready to rent sex dolls in Edmonton

Ever feel like you’ll never find love? Perhaps those Valentine’s Day plans fell through, or you need an end to your sexual frustration, or maybe you just need some healthy self-validation?

Well fear not, good citizen! The Doll Next Door, a new intimate business, has opened in Edmonton. The business has started advertising via posters on Whyte Avenue, but honestly, a poster advertising sex doll rentals isn’t even the weirdest thing I’ve seen on Whyte before.

The owner of this silicon brothel has stated that customers can choose to rent a doll for two hours or an overnight rental. As well, there are five doll models to choose from. Now this is a business that cares about consumer choice ㅡ the possibilities are endless!

Like any good intimacy based business, discretion takes precedence. The Doll Next Door has your back, because the customer can phone in, place their order, and the doll is sent right to their door in discreet packaging, so their roommates or mothers will be none the wiser. The best part is that after the session is over, you can send the doll back before being able to project your confusing, emerging feelings onto it, stopping the encounter from becoming an episode of Black Mirror.

While sex dolls are relatively new in Canada, they’re following in the footsteps of Europe and Japan. I, for one, am eager for the embrace of all aspects of cultural diversity. However, this has garnered some mixed reactions from those resistant to these wonders of modern technology, citing issues about “safety” and “cleanliness.” What a bunch of ball-busting losers.

However, the business operator has assured that the dolls are steamed cleaned twice after each use to prevent the spread of STIs and keep with industry standards. It’s nice to see a business adhering to the Gwyneth Paltrow method of genital cleanliness. In other news, new summer jobs are available for students!

While some industry supports say there are substantial benefits for lose who lack confidence to use one of these dolls, there’s also concern about these dolls being used as a replacement for intimacy with another person, or as a way to objectify women (all the dolls at The Doll Next Door are thus far are female).

Sex-therapist Kelly Jenny commented on these concerns, saying “there is going to be a lot of push from a lot of people that want to vilify sex dolls and the people that make them, instead of the people that are using the tool in a non-respectful way,”

Yes, we should be focused on those who treat these dolls in the most respectful way possible. The true gentlemen who take care of their dolls, who treat them right, just like how a classy, non-sentient human-shaped piece of plastic deserves. Not like those betas who just purchase a session anonymously and send them back immediately after they’ve finished.

People are into all manner of sexual exploits, so as long as it’s safe and nobody’s getting hurt, I don’t see why these dolls are a problem. In fact, The Doll Next Door may have just solved the incel demand of government mandated girlfriends. Besides, it was only a matter of time before the public learned that Pygmalion — you know, that sculptor who fell in love with a statue he created — was right all along.

Bree Meiklejohn

Bree Meiklejohn is a first-year classics and creative writing student. She’s also an aspiring writer who loves dogs, Earl Grey tea, and pretending to know what she’s doing.

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