The Degenerate’s Corner: P. Diddy as the new James Bond

 This isn’t a literary exercise. This isn’t a place where difficult ideas are confronted, or even a place where worthwhile information is communicated. This thing right here is about as close as you can get to a gutter on your webpage. This might just be the journalistic equivalent of the crunchy sock tucked under your eighth-grade brother’s mattress. So while I hope some part of you enjoys what you’re about to read, I’d strongly suggest that you disinfect after doing so.

Welcome to the Degenerate’s Corner. Once a week we come together to examine the latest in pop culture, all through the obscure, legal-ish lens that is an online novelty bet. Maybe you’re looking to see the odds of MySpace making a comeback in 2019 (not good), or you might just be curious about the likelihood of the LRT being completely horse-drawn by the time you read this (a little better). Either way, you’re in the right place.

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE PROCEEDING TO PLACE A BET OR ALERT THE AUTHORITIES: While the odds are real, our endorsement isn’t. We don’t claim any responsibility for losses or winnings resulting from a bet placed. Read this for your enjoyment, and think long and hard before using these odds to turn your student loans into a down payment.

P Diddy to be named as the next James Bond – 500.00 (Betfair)

As you may or may not have heard — I honestly wouldn’t blame you for having missed this one — Daniel Craig is set to do his last James Bond film, and rumour has it that the franchise might be looking to take the character in a new direction.

A quick Google search of every actor that has ever played the Brit makes it clear that the role hasn’t seen much diversity since Mr. Bond, armed with tailored suits and an otherworldly immunity against venereal disease, Bond first ejaculated onto the big screen in 1953. Though names like Idris Elba and Emily Blunt have been mentioned, there’s one name that I just can’t see past: P. Diddy, a.k.a Sean Combs, Puffy, Diddy, Brother Love, He Who Must Always Be Named, etc.

I won’t lie to you and tell you that this bet is good value. No, this week it’s all about the bet’s mental image, and my god, it’s a glorious one. The opening number fades out, the 007 logo slowly disappears from view as the screen fades to black, and there, hiding outside the Siberian lair of some corrupt Russian oligarch is P. Diddy, aviators on, lips pursed, shoulders draped in a coat that looks to be made of mammoth, trying to be inconspicuous. And that’s just the opening scene. Imagine Diddy delivering Bond’s famous barside introduction. The entire movie would morph into some strange out of body experience, half manic-episode half drinking game, with Diddy’s introduction oscillating anywhere from, “The name’s Puffy, Puffy Puffy”, to just calling himself ‘Love’ and expecting everything to make sense from there. The whole thing would be chaos, and that’s without even mentioning the accent!

Online betting is often thought to be a world inhabited by nihilistic retirees and naive Walmart greeters, but in reality, much of it is populated by analytics junkies and people who are objectively good at handling money. That is to say, there is some method to the madness. Last week, we talked about the idea of the metabet, so with this week, I thought that I might introduce what’s known as side-action.

Side-action is the gambling equivalent of that one ex’s number you keep in your phone just in case this, that, or that other thing which probably won’t happen but just might, happens. What that means is that when it comes to betting on the next Bond, put most of your money on a likely candidate like Tom Hiddleston or, and I quote, “any female.” But don’t bet all of it. Put a dollar or two on P. Diddy, because a strange thing happens when someone’s chances are so bad that even centre-left parliamentarians have better odds. All of sudden, no matter what you do (as long as that action has a net cost greater than -$5), you really can’t lose.