Ask Jonah: The one about narcotics

Q: I sold drugs once, can I call myself a drug lord?

Where can you turn when life throws a wrench into your plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos). Have questions? Send them to [email protected]


How do I get my significant other to love me as much as they love getting high?

I dated a gal once who loved getting high more than she loved me. This particular ex of mine smoked weed every day. Weed has never been my thing — I always found my sin within the shelves of the liquor store. I never lived with this ex, but we had plenty of sleepovers during the week. What ended up happening was my ex would roll herself a joint and I’d go mix a drink. She’d smoke up and I’d have a couple of drinks. Sometimes she’d smoke a second joint, and I’d drink another couple of drinks. Her weed was strong and my drinks weren’t anything less than a double. It would be, like, 9 o’clock at night and we’d both be outta our minds. In hindsight, I never had a relationship with my ex — she dated a baggie of weed and I dated a bottle of whiskey. I would break up with your significant other before your toxic relationship carries on any further, and if anyone is abusing substances, I would think about professional counselling.


I sold drugs once, can I call myself a drug lord?

If by “drugs” you mean “controlled substances for non-medical purposes,” I’d immediately stop what you’re doing because it’s illegal. However, maybe you’ve allegedly bought an ounce of marijuana, kept a quarter for yourself, and divvied up the other three-quarters into smaller portions and sold them to the rich white kids living in residence. Next time, the person who sold you the original ounce gives you a quarter from their personal stash as a gift (because you’re chill) and credits you another full ounce to keep selling to the rich white kids. You get a free quarter of weed and will keep getting free weed as long as you pay for the ounce when the money comes in. Listen. You’re certainly not a drug lord. At best you might be a “new recruit” or a distributor’s “downline” which is fancy talk for someone who occupies the bottom tier of a drug trafficking network that resembles a multi-level marketing business model.


If you were a drug lord and smoked a blunt laced with cocaine and you started seizing, would you call 911?

Well, I remember some kids I went to high school with in Grande Prairie often talked about wanting to smoke weed laced with coke. That was back in the early 2000s before fentanyl was killing people. The first time I read a social media headline about fentanyl, I thought it was fake news. The synthetic opiate seemed unreal. Now cokeheads are ripping lines and ending up in the hospital because the half-gram of blow they bought is cut with fentanyl. Weed has never been my thing and neither has cocaine. The only thing I smoke that is laced with anything is tobacco (it’s laced with carcinogens). So in this hypothetical thought experiment and in the off chance I ended up having a stroke from a toke, I’ll dial 911. When the first responders resuscitate me and start asking questions about drug paraphernalia, I’d tell them the truth—because at that point I would want to start (re-)evaluating my life choices.

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