Enrique Marroquin Sam PodgurnyLos Angeles, New York, London; the majority of Hollywood’s most iconic movies are set there. But have you ever thought “Wow, it’d be so much cooler if those same movies took place in Edmonton?” No? Well, maybe these re-writes will convince you.
King Kong
On an exploration mission to exotic Vancouver Island, a monster is discovered. Don Iveson insists the eighth wonder of the world is brought to Edmonton so people have something to see besides an Oilers game. Years later, the ninth wonder, McDavid, comes to town and steals Kong’s thunder. Kong escapes captivity and fucks up the Ice District. He climbs the Muttart pyramids with a random blonde he picked up at The Ranch. The police try to shoot him down, but Kong looks around, and seeing how lame this city is, leaps to his death. ‘Twas Deadmonton that killed the beast.
The Social Network
We open on the U of A. Jesse Eisenberg and a couple business students are chugging beers in Lister, designing an app for a group project that makes people “more connected.” Flash-forward, it’s a year later in a boardroom. They’re being sued by the creators of Chillabit for “stealing their idea.” The business kids skipped too many ethics classes and lose everything. They get a D and have to have a meeting about plagiarism.
Jaws
Summer, 1986. The West Edmonton Mall Waterpark is open for business. Kids scream down slides… and for their lives. The great white shark that was brought in to replace the sea lions escaped through the pipes into the wave pool. After a few gory deaths, the pool is closed and three lifeguards are enlisted to go out on a little yellow dingy and kill it. The shark dies from chlorine poisoning during Hooper’s monologue. They harpoon it anyway and become heroes, getting a lifetime supply of WEM passes.
The Wolf of Wall Street
Leo DiCaprio moves to Edmonton, assuming Alberta’s NDP government means there’s big money to be made in renewable energy. He meets hipster barista Jonah Hill and they smoke crack behind Corso 32. Leo sees a mural that says “Take a risk, it’s the most Edmonton thing you can do” and is inspired to become The Wolf of Jasper Ave — making it onto the cover of Avenue Magazine. Eventually he’s arrested and found guilty of sketchy business practices. Leo’s sentenced to life working in the oil fields, forced to kill the Earth forever.
La La Land
CJSR DJ Ryan Gosling wants to save Edmonton’s jazz scene by opening his own “authentic” club. Meanwhile, improv actress Emma Stone just had her Fringe show idea rejected. They fall in love and float among the stars at the Telus World of Science. Gosling meets John Legend and learns Edmonton already has a jazz club, The Yardbird Suite, crushing his dreams. Gosling and Stone end up getting degrees at MacEwan. Ah Yeg Yeg Land, it’s for the fools who dream.
