What a Time to be Alive: Plain food

Holy shit do I love food that tastes like nothing. I’m completely serious. The following foods make up 80 per cent of my diet:

• Slices of bread (usually without margarine but sometimes I feel edgy and I opt for the canola-based spread)
• Microwave-baked potatoes without margarine
• Boiled eggs (sometimes I put salt on these)
• Plain, no-fat Greek yogurt
• Chicken breasts with no sauce (but sometimes with BBQ sauce)
• Brown rice
• Steamed peas
• Shredded wheat cereal (which only has one ingredient: wheat)
• Plain cheerios, like the non-honey-nut kind that are always in hotel breakfast buffets
• Beans straight from the can

Plain food is where my heart lies. Staples are always there when you need them, be it at SUBmart, Husky, or the local overpriced grocery store. See, if there’s one thing I hate about loving pomegranates, it’s that Save on Foods does not have them in stock right now and I’m left wondering when I’ll get my next fix. By focusing my passions on the absolute most boring foods available, I will never, ever, run out of my supply and I will never, ever, have a boring meal experience. Since I have trained myself to believe that a slice of whole wheat bread is a scrumptious snack, I’ve been able to believe that so too are the shitty ribs at Better Than Fred’s, a shitty pub in Grande Prairie’s shitty downtown.