Joseph Nguyen“Group project”: two words a university student never, ever wants to hear. A phrase that is known to elicit terrible flashbacks to horror stories more frightening than The Shining. Students of all types are known to impulsively yell at their laptop screens when this phrase is spotted on a course syllabus, because really, who thought this was a good idea? Yikes. Big yikes.
With finals quickly approaching, chances are you’ll have some hellish group project stories forming an impressive pile behind you from this semester. If your group wasn’t comprised of the people described below, it was probably a dream. Wake up and smell the painful discontent that is the bane of our existence.
The Overachiever
Really wants this — no, really NEEDS this to work out. Claims that they need an “A” on this at the very least. Is on the verge of screaming every time The Slacker speaks, or when anyone speaks too slowly. Also has no time to book meetings with the group because they are the president of seven clubs, including Amnesty International, Overachievers Anonymous, and the Club de commerce bilingue, because that’s right, they also speak fluent French. They’re probably skipping your next meeting because of the fair-trade cupcake sale they’re coordinating in SUB. Does not sleep (ever) because time not spent making to-do lists is time not well spent.
The Follower(s)
“What do you want me to do? Where should I go? Can you show me where Rutherford is? What is Aleppo?”
The Well-Intentioned but Badly Executed
Seems committed enough, but is always late for meetings and deadlines. Thinks HUB mall is a good place to do group work. Apologizes profusely for little things, but does not take criticism well. Responds to your messages before you’re even finished typing them, but the response is usually “omg SO TRUUUE lol I feel that topic.” If they feel that topic, why haven’t they done anything? Where is all of their energy going? Probably into that Gilmore Girls marathon they just posted about on Facebook.
The Badly-Intentioned but Surprisingly Well Executed
Admits that they will be doing their portion the night before. Doesn’t show up to booked group meetings, claiming to have a legitimate reason, but will be spotted napping on the SUB beanbags directly afterwards. Somehow, shows up with a coherent and effective piece on the day of. Probably only has this class this semester, but claims to be in four others in order to avoid meeting up with your group. Is kind of a terrible person but claims to know the ways of the world. Weirdly wise in highly unexpected ways. Probably does know the ways of the world. Often confused with The Slacker.
The Slacker
Forgets about every meeting. Does not do any portion of their piece. Have you seen them show up to class since the midterm? Probably not.
The Last-Minute Dropout
Your whole group has been waiting on a response from this person for days. The day before you present, you finally get an email back saying that they dropped the class weeks ago.
The Accidental (?) Plagiarizer
Thinks that the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is something they said for the first time. Hard to tell if they are serious or not. This is clarified when they submit the example your professor gave the class as their portion of the assignment. Thinks nobody can tell. Oy.
The Over-Editor
“I’ll just take a quick look over your part before we submit” *changes everything except for your name* Can also be spotted “correcting” things that were fine to begin with, thereby ruining them. Probably graduated from high school with a full-IB diploma and is still riding that high.
The Happy-Go-Lucky
“Why are you so worried? I got an A+ on my last paper, it’s not possible to do badly in this class.” Also the person who talks about their friend-drama during preciously scavenged prep time that was near impossible to book. Does not work well with The Overachiever or The Safety Net.
The Safety Net
Has accepted their fate a very long time ago. Catches everyone’s (real) mistakes. Books the study room every time. Brings enough coffee for the entire group to meetings, but it’s all for themselves. Does The Slacker’s piece for them the night before. Is secretly jealous of them. Pretends to be okay with it. Cries themselves to sleep. Repeat.
