Kieran Chrysler“Don’t leave your tampon in for too long. You’ll get TSS.” I remember the words every mother passes along to their daughter as soon as she starts bleeding out of her vagina (after realizing pads are in no way a practical way to live one’s life). “What’s TSS?” I asked, harrowed by fear. “Toxic Shock Syndrome.”
I inquired no further. The name “Toxic Shock Syndrome” was severe enough to know that I didn’t want any part of it. Like an obedient, hygienic child, I changed my tampon regularly, propelled by the underlying notion that TSS would claim me right then and there. It sounded like something you could be stricken with on the spot, erasing any fond memories or hopes of living a virtuous life. My fear even provoked me to purchase a menstrual cup — eliminating the chance for any of the damn cotton burritos from ever claiming my life. After living in this unbearable manner, I stopped to ask myself what we all one day stop to ask ourselves: what the fuck is TSS, even? I had been living my life as a nomad, hoping to lay low enough to be unnoticed by the definitive radar of TSS, until I realized I actually had no clue what the hell TSS even entailed.
TSS is a very rare, but serious condition produced by Staphylococcus aureus (staph) bacteria that mainly affects women using tampons when menstruating. Side effects may include headaches, vomiting, diarrhea, redness of eyes and confusion — universal symptoms we harbour in our daily labours — but can also cause hypotension (low blood pressure), which can eventually lead to death. Holy shit. Death via tampon sounds absolutely horrifying — like worse than SARS and the grasshopper outbreak of 2003. TSS is most commonly found in women under the age of 30, but can also be found in men through cuts, burns or bites. If caught early, TSS is easily treatable with fluids or antibiotics.
In regards to prevention, doctors recommend washing your hands before plunging into your genitals and also making sure you’ve taken out your last tampon. So if you’re one of those people who harvests tampons in your gooch, like some greedy cotton-ball fetishist, I warn you to be very careful out there. Also, avoid using super-absorbent tampons because apparently what you think is efficient and practical is actually the equivalent of Satan’s Q-tip.
Case and point: Lauren Wasser, a 24-year-old model is in an ongoing lawsuit against Kotex, after being a victim of TSS and losing her leg. Yes, TSS claimed this beautiful woman’s leg after developing into gangrene — an infection that causes your body tissue to decompose (so now you can add ‘flesh-eating disease’ on the list of symptoms TSS can fuck you up with). After amputating the infected area, Wasser was able to rid herself from the infection, but still struggles to raise TSS awareness. Her lawsuit aims for greater transparency about the harming effects of tampons, rather than eliminating the use of tampons altogether.
So you see, we are living in a world of danger and disaster; cancer is claiming the lives of all our idols; dolphins are being plucked from the water for selfies, only to die in the arms of tourists; TSS is causing confusion and leprosy. It’s best to run now. If you know a friend, family or any loved one menstruating, make sure to give them your undivided attention. Be patient with them, be kind, and most importantly, be careful.
