Alex PattersonAh, the threesome. The holy grail of life’s sexcapades and a common objective on any liberal’s bucket list. I recently had the experience of having sex with a couple, and no, it wasn’t as weird as you’d think it would be. It was erotic, liberating, and oddly enough, it was pre-planned.
It started with a text from a coworker, inquiring if I’d be interested in having sex with her best friend. “Good evening. Katie (names have been altered) wants to know if you’d have a threesome with her and her boyfriend.” I replied, “I am open to the experience on the condition that there will be more than two bottles of wine and at least four notable jokes from the evening,” and just like that, I had coined the value of my vagina. Sold for cheap wine and a punch line. After that, Katie ensured me that there would be wine of my choosing and home-made snacks. Wow. I was being courted by a couple, and I was damn right flattered. I felt like a surrogate mother without the whole baby aspect.
Once the date arrived, I was extremely nervous. It’s hard to walk into an apartment knowing that you’re going to have sex with everyone inside. It sounds like a serious first world problem, but I’m sure you could sympathize with the awkwardness. I was half expecting the ultimate pampering session, and half expecting to get my teeth kicked in by an enraged girlfriend, realizing her boyfriend was having sex with another woman before her eyes. I also hoped that they didn’t expect me to be some kind of sex guru, who somehow knew how to steer two vaginas and a penis into the promised land of equal pleasure.
I received a text from Katie in the morning. “Hey! We just wanted to know if you are uncomfortable with anything.” This immediately sparked a montage of possible scenarios: being covered in chocolate syrup; forced not to move until every bit of vegan whip cream had been licked from my body; being Eiffel towered by a strap-on and a stranger’s penis; general butt stuff. “Oh no! I’m open to anything really,” I replied in mild horror.
After hyperventilating, chain smoking, and taking shots in my ride’s car, I arrived comfortably intoxicated and ready to go. The night unfolded a lot more naturally than I had anticipated. I enjoyed some stir-fry courtesy of Katie, some card games and yes, wine and jokes. Once we were all comfortable enough with each other to know no one was a secret murderer or sex trafficker, we retired to the bedroom.
I must say, we were a generous trio of lovers. No one was excluded, forced to fake text in the corner of the room, or awkwardly watch as the other two went to town. All was fair and equal (on a side note, making out with a vagina always tends to be alarming, and what’s less encouraging is getting tips on the Internet which basically tell you to dive in until you’re wearing a vagina as a turtle neck). I had left shortly after, happy for my new friendships and fascinated by my experience. Perhaps they would wake up in the morning and exchange stories of how they both dreamt of a 5ft Asian girl who tried to hump their leg. Who knows? All I know is that threesomes always seem to be a hit or miss. Just have the courtesy to make everyone comfortable and included, which is all you can really ask for, really.
