Fear not Oilers fans — Hollywood will come through and save you

It would be an understatement right now to say that the Oilers are down on their luck. They’re last place in the league. They’ve won two games in their last 22 appearances. They did manage a win last night against Carolina to snap a 13-game winless skid, but still remain in the NHL’s basement. However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Hollywood sports movies, it’s that the night is always darkest before the dawn. Since the Oilers are basically the Bad News Bears of the NHL right now, I think they could learn a thing or two from those silver-screen teams from the past about how to get out of this mess just in time to win the Stanley Cup.

Back in the summer, the Oilers were just a ragtag group of lovable misfits who hadn’t been picked by any other teams and didn’t have a coach. Then Pat Quinn was brought in to give them some guidance and act as a father figure. Quinn was a strict taskmaster and initially didn’t get along with his young, plucky ragamuffins, throwing his hands up in the air after several brutal losses. But they all knew that deep down, he had a heart of gold and only wanted the team to succeed. This soon inspired confidence in them and they started to win back in November. But after the team’s all-stars got injured, the Oilers went into a losing skid and have been mired in failure for months. As Shawn Horcoff said a few days ago, “We just want to win one game.”

I chalk these problems up to an inability to follow the formula. Sure, Hemsky is out. Khabibulin is out. But the star players always get injured. What the Oilers have yet to do is have a touching emotional scene where they all visit their fallen comrades in their hospital beds and tearfully promise to win one for the gipper (or The Bulin Wall, in this case). At that point, all former rivalries are forgotten, and they can band together to overcome insurmountable odds and win the state championship. Or is what I’ve heard true — do the Oilers not remember the Titans?

Other questions demand to be asked. How often is Pat Quinn giving rousing motivational speeches while triumphant music plays in the background when the team is down after two periods? If not, how can anyone expect them to learn a valuable lesson about determination and teamwork in time to score a buzzer-beating, game-winning goal? As well, have the Oilers at least attempted to incorporate the Flying V or the concept of knucklepucks into their game plan? Or, failing that, could they possibly sign Charlie Sheen as their loose cannon ringer, the Wild Thing? At this point, with their offensive woes, all options should be on the table.

Perhaps most importantly, who will be the Oilers’ Rudy? Who will be the man to show the team that it is not the size of your body that matters, but the size of your heart? My money is on Zack Stortini, who has recently been riding the pine, but will at some point (at least in my mind) beg Pat Quinn to “just let me play, coach.” The irascible gum-chewing Quinn will, albeit reluctantly, give Stortini one shot to get out there and do something, since they’re probably going to lose anyways. Stortini will respond by making an incredible and inspirational play, valiantly punching the face of his closest competitor (which is like sacking the quarterback, I suppose), an act that will somehow win the big game for the Oil. Stortini will get hoisted onto the shoulders of Horcoff and captain Ethan Moreau as the team’s unlikely saviour and carried off the ice in a heartfelt, sentimental moment, before Ron MacLean announces that immediately after the game, a celebrating Stortini got into a fatal crash when his car accidentally drove off a cliff, making the triumphant victory poignant and bittersweet.

But don’t fret, depressed Oilers fans. The light is at the end of the tunnel, as the Stortini victory will likely propel the courageous, scrappy heroes into a February-long montage sequence where they’ll finally get on a winning streak, while discovering the true meaning of friendship along the way. Hopefully, that will allow them to prove themselves just in time for a redemptive Game 7 Stanley Cup Final rematch against the evil, black-hearted team from Iceland.