Double double, boys' love troubles

Being twins has its perks. We get to share clothes, a driver’s license, and as far as our boss is concerned, we’re just one guy who works 20-hour days and forgets most things that have happened after returning from his lunch break. Best of all, if one of us dies, we can always use the other’s genetically engineered Avatar body to help save a species of indigenous blue giants. Yep, being a twin is pretty awesome.

That said, being twins comes with an inconvenience that few realize is a problem. We may look similar, but that doesn’t mean that we should take part in everyone else’s sexual fantasies. Although few have expressed such an interest, we have a high enough opinion of ourselves that that’s what we imagine most ladies are thinking about when they see us strutting down the narrow hallways of HUB Mall. “Boy, would I like to be part of that Lance-and-Evan sandwich,” these hypothetical women think. To be fair, we can’t blame them. What happens in other people’s minds is their business, but the idea of other people throwing us into their sexual fantasies just because we’re twins makes us feel dirty and objectified in the worst possible way.

Think about it from our perspective. We don’t want to see each other having sex. Ever. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be to watch your own brother or sister bone some random stranger on the bus, in the library, or on the boat — wherever good times can be found. Gross, right?

Now imagine what it’d be like if they asked you to join them in this sexy ritual. Kind of hot? Yes. That’s a given, because it’s us, but it would become awkward midway through, once certain body parts have been inserted into certain other body parts and friction is being applied in odd proportions. And what the hell are we supposed to do about this? What if we make eye contact? Should we nod politely? Give each other a high-five? Never speak of this again? We’re not sure how to proceed. The idea of having sex with two identical people seems hot, but only in concept.

Then there’s the identity problem. Sometimes, during sex, it’ll be difficult for the lady to tell who’s who. One time, a fine lass was being pleasured solely by Evan, but her moaning constantly made reference to Lance, who was sitting on the ottoman, watching. We tried to pretend we didn’t notice, but as we enjoyed our post-coital cigarettes, we told her of her mistake. And boy, did her face turn red! Twins may be a novelty, but you risk embarrassing yourself when you’re tangled in the sheets.

Our point is that, as twins, we start to lose our individuality when the only action we can get is as a group package. We can’t help being twins; we were simultaneously born that way, from an unusually wide birth canal. So the onus is on everybody else to stop objectifying our collective selves, and to start objectifying us for who we are. After all, Lance is learning how to play the guitar. Ladies love a musician, amiright? And Evan, he’s a, well ... hmm. Let’s go with the fact that his Star Wars impressions can be mildly entertaining around the right audience.

So in conclusion, sexual fantasies are part of life. We all have our weird perversions and fetishes, but it’s important to keep them a victimless crime. Having a threesome with twins may be your lifelong dream, but how is that any better than if it was to have sex with a 14-year-old schoolgirl? Chase your dreams, people, but aim for something better than twins. Take us, for instance. Someday, we hope to have sex with quadruplets.