Olympic mittens should be given the finger, but lack the necessary dexterity

The Hudson’s Bay Company accredit themselves as Canada’s oldest department store. Many historians and social studies teachers might have even credited the company as a key player in establishing Canada’s “ocean to ocean” status. But recently, HBC has been far from nation-building such beautiful Canadian images — not only have they been purchased by an upscale American retailer, but they’re responsible for arming our Canadian athletes in decidedly un-Canadian Olympic apparel.

Recently, and most pointedly, HBC decided to include in their Olympic 2010 line knitted red “Torchbearer” mittens, embroidered with the Olympic rings, a maple leaf and “Vancouver 2010.” They’re also — to use the technical term — butt-ugly.

I simply cannot hold with this. These atrocities cause one enormous issue. Assuming at the 2010 opening ceremonies, all Canadian athletes are using these to keep their hands warm, it becomes questionable as to what image Canada wants to portray to the world. Millions of viewers will watch Canadians wave with these mittens during the 15 days of events. The mittens will be distinctly what every viewer will remember, and what will define our Olympic run. This is a problem.

The Torchbearer mittens send out a very mixed and confusing image; they scream “blood on our hands” to all other Olympic athletes. Still, there’s a silver lining here. Perhaps this is intentional, as an attempt at intimidation to other athletes, suggesting that in the quest for a gold metal, if a few violent actions need to be taken, Canadian athletes wouldn’t even have to take their mittens off.

Not to mention that the mittens seem designed for people of all levels of intelligence. After all, it was rather nice for HBC to put not only the country our athletes are from, but also the event in which they are partaking on the mitt. Some might call this overkill, but it seems helpful. This way, there will be no awkward interviews where a recently crashed Canadian bobsledder tells how thankful he is just to be here in Vernon, for the Olympics of 2006. That can make the whole country look pretty unimpressive.

So I’ll concede the mittens might work — for athletes. But as for Canadians back home who desperately want to both support and resemble said athletes, they’re a real hassle. Take these gloves anywhere outside of Vancouver, and the Canadian weather will almost instanteously chill its way through the thin knitted fabric.

Now, think back to the impracticality of the mittens your mother used to squeeze your chubby childhood hands into. Could you poke the cute girl sitting on the bus in front of you? Could you give your mortal enemy the middle finger? And in more recent years, mittens cause a hassle, because you can’t even open a beer, use a keyboard, or simply be practical in everyday life. Mittens are simply not designed for the everyday man-or-woman-on-the-go.

HBC has created a mitten that gives Canadian Olympic athletes a slight advantage over other countries at Vancouver 2010. But the mitt has no advantage for the regular Canadian, who needs a strong, durable glove to survive lumberjacking in the Boreal Forest while waltzing down log rides and drinking maple syrup. In fact, if HBC was really catering towards finding the real Canadian image, the mitt should be made out of seal skin, with a baby seal’s face on each mitt. But in the mean time, the red Torchbearer mitt belongs only on athletes, not on ordinary citizens unworthy of extreme physical athletic ability. I suggest the rest of us should celebrate the Olympics by taking these red menaces and using them to light new, enormous Olympic torches anywhere an HBC is found. Now there’s a defining Olympic moment for you.