Vital insight into punctuation

You know the one thing that there’s not enough of on the Internet? Sarcasm. It’s so hard to find these days, and worse, it’s so very hard to spend the time to actually read content to ensure whether or not it actually is sarcastic.

Which is why Sarcasm Inc., a Michigan company, has developed the greatest Internet and language phenomenon since the sliced LOLcat. Introducing the SarcMark! With just a few keystrokes, your sarcasm can now be shouted from the highest peaks of the Internet and unveiled for all to see. This is guaranteed to stop all Internet-based conflicts and misunderstandings forever. See, there’s a brilliant potential example of the SarcMark in action! Nifty!

In fact, Gateway Opinion is so goshdarned excited about this development that we’ve racked our brains to invent a plethora of punctuation presents that promise to be just as useful and long-lasting as the SarcMark. Read on.

The SincMark

I can understand the general usefulness of the SarcMark. There is far too much room for interpretation in the realm of the written word, and far too many fools and reactionaries ready to take offense. But there is another angle to this problem — what about those of us who are generally unpleasant, sarcastic, offensive, and cruel? Those who immediately cut down their readers so often that abuse is all anyone eventually comes to expect? What do we use to make our uncharacteristic sincerity obvious to the puzzled masses with their shallow and lazy reading?

This is a conundrum that I have experienced personally on several different occasions. Indeed, I can’t begin to list the number of times I’ve had to explain the legitimacy of an apology, the veracity of a compliment, or the straightforward and non-underhanded nature of constructive criticism. If only there were a quick and efficient method of translating one’s earnestness and sincerity to the page. Thus, the SincMark.

I imagine the key combination would be something like Alt + Shift + NOTBITCHY or something. Not only would it make my life easier by a couple of keystrokes, but it would also contribute to the general reading populace’s inability to differentiate between facts, jokes, and all that ranges between in the grand spectrum of literary subtlety. And I mean that sincerely.

The ArnMark

As we all know, the current Govenor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has a rather distinct way of speaking. His quaint Austrian accent has made such movies like Kindergarten Cop — which should have been quickly forgotten — endlessly quotable and modern classics by any metric and standard. He’s a favourite to be imitated, and, when done properly, can have a substantial effect on the speaker’s meaning. For instance, there is a qualifiable difference made in the statement “Get to the chopper!” when the latest punctuation creation, the ArnMark, is used correctly.

When you decide that saying “See you later, baby” to your friend upon departing from Facebook chat is a little passé, prompting you to favour the Spanish translation “Hasta la vista, baby.” Now, the correct use of the ArnMark will let her know that you are simply quoting the famous phrase from Terminator 2; whereas, if you didn’t punctuate the sentence properly, she’d just think you were an idiot. Or a Spaniard.

In fact, this pretty much goes for just about any funny voices or accents that we colour our speech with, but have neglected to use in written language up until now. The Schwarzenegger voice is, of course, the most pressing, but once this one comes off as a success, more will follow. If you want to let someone know that you’re in charge, for instance, it’ll probably help to slip in the occasional ScottBaioMark. But that’s more of a long term goal. For now, let us simply revel in our fine Austrian parodies.

The FartMark

No other form of human communication is as expressive as the humble, noble fart. Not only is it a highly sensual gaseous feast for the nose, the ears, and regrettably, the tongue, it also conveys a vast range of emotions from dread, sorrow, and disgust to anticipation, humour, and recognition of simple human frailty. Our language suffers from the inability to properly communicate in print the simple yet evocative gesture of passing wind twixt one’s buttocks, a time when the breathing gets harder, but the social significance becomes oh-so-greater.

Enter the “FartMark,” or as it’s known in academic circles, the “Flatubang.” This charming little glyph captures the full weight of this bodily function, and answers the constant nagging question in the minds of all readers whether or not a speaker has, indeed, blasted one. The practical applications are nearly endless. Journalists can now properly quote people in full, and I do mean full. The printed speeches of Winston Churchill, a celebrated breaker of wind, would virtually double in length, and be no less inspiring for it. Also, consider how classical literature can be improved by a new-found appreciation of the fart:

Mr. Darcy sat silently, while his other lips released soft wheeps into the pensive air. “I wish to marry your daughter,” said he, farting.

“Lizzie!” cried Mrs. Bennet, letting loose a thunderous queef.

Consider how much smoother and richer this passage would be without pausing for descriptions. Clearly, farting is integral to the rich catalog of English speech, and the FartMark allows us to adequately express the fundamental humanity of a given speaker. Be warned, however — if you are a politician, celebrity, or anyone else who might be quoted in print, you should probably consider buying a plug.

The AwkMark

Sure, you can use an ellipsis to indicate a short pause, but what about longer pauses? What about an awkward silence that stretches upwards of three minutes? There’s currently no punctuation solution to this dilemma, and considering how many of my conversations have these pauses, it’d be really useful to have a shorthand to describe this phenomena.

Which is why I’d like to propose the AwkMark. Indicating a 30-second pause, perfect for instilling that dramatic tension into a transcript, the AwkMark would be the favourite tool of sitcom writers and mumblecore enthusiasts alike.

And seventh-grade boys, when they attempt to ask out pretty girls, would now have the perfect tool to fill in their conversations. “I like you ... a lot ... [AwkMark],” they’d say, and the girl would laugh and see how charmingly befuddled he is without the need for standing around head-scratching for a few minutes, and then they’d go off and get married and have lots of kids and live happily ever after. This would have revolutionized my junior high experience, at the very least. So many personal issues.

See, that paragraph would be a perfect place to end with an AwkMark. I’m telling you, this baby’s going places, and we need to get in on the ground floor. Just be careful about pairing it with a SarcMark — sarcastic awkward silences rarely come off well.

The MarkyMark

Exclamation points are cute and shit, but they’re not funky enough to properly denote a sentence’s good vibrations. This piece of punctuation, however, will give it that sweet sen-say-sation!