What’s in a course name? Making class picks by intuition

We’ve come to the end of another term and, as such, have embarked on the time-honoured tradition of lamenting our bumbling actions of the last few months. How long ago was it that the term stretched out before us like a shining beacon, offering untold potential and dreams, only to be dashed against the cold wall of reality and dullness? Though the University offers a bevy of fascinating courses on a variety of stimulating topics, let’s be blunt — most of us didn’t take any of those.

But just for fun, let’s embark on a jaunt through the University calendar with the scholarly minds of Gateway Opinion as we speculate on the greatest courses we didn’t take — greatest being applied based solely on their name and description, because who has time for any kind of research these days?

FS 371: Contemporary Hollywood

It’s time to cut out the middleman, folks. Ostensibly, I attend this fine institution with the goal of discovering my calling and going on to contribute great things to this great world, and I’ll claim that I worked so hard for this place, but when I’m honest with myself, all I’ve really accomplished this past term is logging an unconscionable amount of hours spent procrastinating, submerging myself in edgy pop culture, magazines and celebrity gossip blogs. Instead of acknowledging this habit as a character flaw, or the profound waste of money it most certainly is, I have decided to take advantage of the system.

Now, I haven’t read the course catalogue description of this class, but I assume that’s all just empty marketing anyway. I feel completely prepared to advance in this realm of study, armed with my encyclopedic knowledge of awards show fashion, the front-runners for the villains in the next Batman movie, and all things Megan Fox. I’m second-to-none in the field of the memorization of movie quotations, which I assume will be the largest component in this course. I can even wax rhetorical about the rise and fall of various American starlets.

This course could lead me to a new direction in my own life. Perhaps if I expend the effort to increase my own media recognition, I too will be able to join the ranks of famewhores and delusionals who populate contemporary Hollywood. If that fails, it comes with a backup plan. I mean, I’ve always wondered where the paparazzi actually come from.

C LIT 444: Autobiographical Writing

Tired of learning too much about the vaunted accomplishments of the long dead and rapidly aging? Looking for a method to effectively communicate your ideas, highlighted by the dramatic backdrop of your very own life? Holding a deep grudge and want to air your dirty laundry? Look no further: Comparative Literature 444 is the class for you.

Throughout the past few months I have been forced to endure long-winded theories by long-deceased people, from B. F. Skinner in Psychology 104, to Émile Durkheim in Sociology 100, to the incomprehensible Immanuel Kant in Philosophy 102. And as I’ve read their often ridiculous and always periphrastic works, I’ve wondered why I myself can’t write something just as good, if not better.

With the recent publication of Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue: An American Life, I’ve come to accept that pretty much anyone can write an autobiography and get it published. And so my quest to make public the intimate details of my life commences! The first step consists of living: done. The second step consists of taking C LIT 444: not yet done.

This fascinating class description reads as follows: “A survey of autobiographical forms from antiquity to postmodernity and a study of theoretical problems of genre and subjectivity.” About as informative as any of the class descriptions, but it seems as though I will still be compelled to read works about other people. Even so, I’m sure I can endure one last term of self-indulgent rhetoric before I get the chance to push some of my own onto an unsuspecting audience. Oh, wait.

MIN E 324: Drilling, Blasting and Explosives

Take it from me — I’m a fairly even-keeled kinda guy. I try not to lose my temper or go off half-cocked on my nemeses. But in my calmness, I often come across situations when I just want to explode in a fiery blaze of passion and excitement and just freakin’ blow up on someone.

Which is why, obviously, it would be so incredibly cool to take a university course dedicated to nothing but detonations and demolition. I’m assuming it’s a fully hands-on practical course; how could it not be, with such an awesome title? It’s made me think that I need this too — this being, of course, an outlet here on campus to release the Wile E. Coyote buried deep inside my psyche, and if I’d have to become a Mining Engineering student to unearth it, then so be it.

And just think of the potentials — TNT term papers! Mortar midterms! Flash-bang finals! I’m picturing course assignments involving placing nonlethal landmines in various locations around campus, possibly in the path of pompous university administrators, and everyone enjoying a hearty laugh as they explode in showers of confetti or pig intestines or whatever. Seriously, you wouldn’t be able to keep them away from the registration list, unless you used cannons in some way, which I’m assuming would be a prerequisite.

I’m sure if I learned more, the course likely wouldn’t live up to my lofty expectations. For starters, they probably wouldn’t let me blow up my classmates should I have a bad day. But there’s always the possibility that the course could explode in a glorious shower of awesomeness, and I will re-fuse anyone who says otherwise.

RLS 100: Life, Leisure and the Pursuit of Happiness

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a very happy person. I’m poor, my body omits an everlasting odor of Cheez Whiz, and I spend most of my nights alone in the dark crying myself to sleep which watching the Food Network. Day after day I waste my time learning useless information that just furthers my unhappiness. It’s a vicious cycle, just like photosynthesis, but with less chlorophyll — unless that’s the stuff they put in Cheez Whiz.

However, I think I’ve found a solution. Browsing through the course catalogue I came across the department of recreation and leisure studies, more specifically Recreation and Leisure Studies 100: Life, Leisure, and the Pursuit of Happiness. At last, a facet of academia teaching something practical!

The description of this class in the course catalogue is nothing less than riveting. This course will apparently explore such fascinating things as “the relationship between leisure and time, and the characteristics of leisure in modern Canada.” Wow. I’m feeling happier already.

However, the most intriguing aspect of this class for me comes from the part of the course description that explains how this class will teach the structure of Canadian recreation and tourism delivery systems. I’m fascinated with delivery systems. UPS is my favorite, but FedEx is a close second.

But the most important thing is that somehow all of these valuable lessons will make me happier than pre-war Germany. I can’t wait to take this course and finally find the true meaning to happiness. I hope it’s Cheez Whiz. That would simplify things.

ZOOL 354: Wildlife Disease

I’m moving into rez. It’s pretty much a prerequisite.