Poking the problems of Facebook addiction

As some of you may know, last week was Addictions Awareness Week. Addiction is a very serious issue, and so this week, I want to bring awareness to an addiction that has many young students hooked, especially during exam time. I’m not talking about Ritalin or Adderall — those cravings make sense if you want to do well in school. No, I’m talking about Facebook.

I want to start by giving you all a window into my own battle with this fixation: I tried kicking my habit a few weeks ago, cold turkey. I got through the morning alright, but as the afternoon crept around, I began to feel sick. My hands scratching and beginning to sweat, I knew I needed just a quick fix to get me through the day. Head pounding, I walked through the Rutherford atrium, trying not to betray my sense of urgency and bolted up the stairs to the quiet study on the second floor.

I ducked into the computer lab in the back, pleased to find it empty. It’s there that I got my hookup, updating my Facebook status: “Tim Schneider is ... happy :)” I sighed with relief, euphoric as those beautiful little endorphins flooded through my system. After that moment of weakness, I relapsed and I must confess I haven’t been able to shake it since. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

As the parents of modern students fear all the trouble that we can get into “out there” on the streets, they’re ignorant to the danger that lurks on the quietest nights, the ones where you don’t go out because you tell everyone you’re “studying”— a likely story. There in the solitude of your room, you’ll get that hit and be high for hours at a time.

I know it sounds harmless and feels good, but the side effects of Facebook addiction are varied and dangerous. Perhaps most potent are its hallucinogenic and dissociative properties. You may trip out and believe you’re a successful farmer, a mob boss, or an insanely wealthy sorority girl. Buoyed by a false sense of self-esteem at how many “friends” you have, I realize it can be hard to tear yourself away. When I come down off my high, I usually realize I just spent the last several hours jerking off my ego all alone in my bedroom, and feel somewhat withdrawn.

While Facebook has its dangerous side effects, much like heroin, it has some value when used correctly in moderation. However, instead of being a powerful medical analgesic, it’s a potent social lubricant. I often use it on my phone at parties to find out if the girls I’m talking to are single. It’s a real time saver there and, as a bonus, people often think I’m texting so I’m somehow perceived as popular.

In addition, it allows on-again/off-again couples to carefully articulate on their profiles that their relationship is complicated, just so everyone knows — which is a helpful and necessary social distinction. And nothing lets someone know that they’re out of your good books like defriending them. This novel technique is currently unsurpassed in its ability to handle such intricately delicate social situations.

But what we all need then is to cut back, especially during exams, perhaps by temporarily disabling our profiles or getting a friend (a real-life one) to monitor our use. We need to create a social and political movement to moderate abuse of Facebook, like cigarettes in the ’70s through the ’90s. Let’s band together and start a revolution. You go create rallies as Facebook events that will spread the word, and I’ll be happy to establish a Facebook group for everyone to join. Soon everyone will be invited to what will be the mass breakout from social media that we all so desperately need.

Just don’t be surprised when I don’t make it to your rally. In all likelihood, I’m probably going to hit “maybe attending” and not show. And then spend the whole time un-tagging photos from parties of my exposed genitals. For some reason there are a lot of those out there.