And now, a brief head-to-head on a rather seated debate

It might sound crazy, but I’m a man that always chooses to sit down. And I mean at every opportunity. I sit down to eat, when I’m in class, if I’m on the bus — the elderly and the pregnant be damned, I’m plopping my butt down. Some might say I take sitting down too far. For the most part, I’ve been able to live a relatively normal life — well, that’s not completely true: I can’t participate in many social functions, like dancing, because of my refusal to be erect, and I can’t attend church either, because of their very strict, rise-when-we-arbitrarily-tell-you-to policy. If I’m not going to stand for Jesus, I’m probably not going to stand for anyone else.

That aside, I’ve been ostracized nearly all my life for admitting to habitually sitting down on the toilet, regardless of my having to go number one or two. Some might say it’s my birthright to pee standing up and that I’m wasting God’s gift by sitting, but I disagree, and here’s why.

I’m a busy guy, and despite what I said earlier, there are certain times in life where one can’t help but stand. For instance, sometimes no chairs are provided, or the floor might be too dirty, or too slippery, or too made-of-lava. Other times, I just need to move from one place to the other. Moving is the unavoidable, crappy part of life, but sitting down is the milk and honey — the lone justice in an unfair world. I’ll stand up to anyone who disagrees with this — or at least raise my chin in a pronounced fashion.

Sitting down on a toilet has other advantages besides appealing to my lazy inclinations. While seated, one avoids the much-maligned “splashback” that has moistened many a pant leg, and forced too many dates into awkward moments with unexplainable wetness. Additionally, peeing in the dark is a cakewalk for us sitters, allowing us to remain in our zombie-like daze, instead of being blinded by the light like you ignorant standees, who usually miss the target as a result.

So-called friends have argued that sitting down is unsanitary, and while there are indeed stalls that would make even a pig wrestler gag, most toilet seats are relatively germ-free, at least with respect to our already germ-ridden world. I mean, we specifically scrub toilet seats with disinfecting chemicals routinely — how often do doorknobs or bus railings get such a treatment?

I’d also like to say that I’m a big believer that men and women should be equal in all respects, even if it means handicapping us boys in a few of them. So I’m campaigning to have urinals made illegal, though so far only Mayor Murray from Turtle Mountain, Manitoba has replied to my letters. But I’m still optimistic that someday we’ll live in a world with unisex washrooms, where we can all sit together as one. This way, I won’t have to sneak into the women’s washroom like I usually do. But don’t get the wrong impression — I’m not a pervert. I just prefer the cleaner seats.

My weak-kneed opponent can raise his chin in protest all he damn wants; it doesn’t change the fact that peeing standing up is one of the best parts of being a man. Ignoring this fact is tantamount to slapping God, nature, and our forefathers in the face.

I appreciate sitting down — who doesn’t? But sitting down on a toilet in the men’s room is just plain unsanitary. God knows who could have been doing God-knows-what in the isolated confines of those stalls. I could try and forget the details, but someone could’ve been snorting coke off the seats or manipulating themselves to pictures of Oprah Winfrey exactly where certain pro-sitters would have you set your rump down to take a piss. It doesn’t matter where you go: the men’s washroom is always disgusting. It’s anarchy in there. Why anyone would want to spend more time on those despoiled floors than necessary is a mystery at best and a seedy enigma at worst.

If my opponent was really a busy guy, he would realize that he's been wasting precious seconds out of every day of his life just to have a moment of Zen while bleeding the lizard. This is not what taking a piss is about. Opening the flood gate is a utilitarian bodily function; it’s not a party, it’s not meditation — it’s just taking a piss. Look at it this way: back in prehistory, our ancestors couldn’t take their jolly time relieving themselves, because they did it to mark their territory. If they wasted time and distance in squatting to the ground, they would’ve run a higher risk of getting mauled by a woolly mammoth or a sabre-toothed tiger. Admittedly, it’s not a life-or-death issue nowadays, but those few seconds could be better spent studying or even just sitting down in a less nauseating environment.

And then there’s the cultural argument. We live in Canada, and writing your name in the snow with pee is almost a rite of passage here. It’s a sacred declaration that you were willing to brave the freezing cold, and accompanying shrinkage, to let everyone know that you were there and you are a man who needed to take a piss. I defy my opponent to do this sitting down. Unless you’re some kind of derriere-contortionist, it’s going to be impossible.

Yes, the splash-back issue does happen when using a urinal, and yes, it is disgusting. Splash-back is an ever-present threat and it can’t be solved by simply sitting down on a toilet; when it happens, it affects your unprotected skin and feels just plain wrong.

I think it's a privilege to be able to stand up when I take a leak, and I don’t think I am alone in this. I’m a major supporter of following natural instincts and it’s a man’s natural instinct to piss with his ass perpendicular to the ground. Anything else is just a crime against nature.