A few curse words for nurse herds

As the saying goes, there are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and the fact that nurses are lazy. Whiners too. And mean. I have known these facts since I was a young lad in short pants and a cheerful smiling lady in white sat me down, gently rubbed my arm with alcohol, and then proceeded to jab me with a razor-sharp needle until I was hysterical and bawling. I can't recall all the details, but I'm pretty sure she left the needle sticking out of my arm while she proceeded to take her smoke break and complain that she wasn't being paid enough.

But in the case my memory of that mumps vaccination I received at the U of A was taking a trip down Dementia Lane, Stephen Duckett was there to repeatedly remind me about these truths in the past few weeks, along with changing my bedding and bringing me chicken cordon bleu. The President and CEO of Alberta Health Services riled the ire of registered nurses across the province when he finally confronted these confirmed layabouts about their chronically lackadaisical ways. After explaining that nurses in this province are paid way too much, he added that “between 25 per cent and 70 per cent of what a nurse does in a hospital ward could be done by someone else.” Best of all, he finally nailed these loafers to the wall in his most publicized comment for working fewer hours and taking "lunch breaks and morning tea breaks and afternoon tea breaks and coffee breaks and everything else.”



I always blindly believed nurses were suspect, what with their fancy white suits and pleasant, unassuming demeanours, but Duckett has offered compelling, insurmountable evidence for their lethargy. The Yanks dumped all that British tea into Boston Harbour for a reason. If only these damn chamomile-sipping turncoats would just retract their extended pinky fingers, put down their crumpets, get off their duffs, and start pounding the pavement (or buffered linoleum, as it were), perhaps then, they could actually perform the 30 per cent of their job that janitors, secretaries, and fast-food cooks can’t do so that we don’t continue wasting taxpayer dollars on something as inconsequential as “caring for the sick and needy.” The only people that have a lower efficiency rate than that is our government — to be fair, though, their tea breaks are quite modest in comparison and they have to deal with more people soiling their pants. They simply compensate by giving themselves salaries of $575,000 plus up to 25 per cent bonus — but Duckett’s wage sadly doesn’t even include a stipend for Earl Grey.

Such comments caused the nurses to get all upset. First, they countered by saying that only 27 per cent of their tasks could be done by others. Then, The United Nurses of Alberta filed an ethics complaint against Duckett, claiming he was bullying nurses and misleading the public. And lastly, nursing students protested at the Alberta legislature last weekend, claiming that the government of a province chronically short of nurses was forcing graduating students to move elsewhere due to budget cuts.

You know what would calm those nurses down? A nice hot cup of tea — the exact cup they’re no longer allowed to have. In the meantime, we’ll just create a new position and fill it with some of these vague “other people” that Duckett mentions to replace you. Some kind of “caretaker” role where these “other people” would toil for long hours for relatively little pay, doing a necessary job for the wellbeing of society — despite never being treated with the same level of professionalism or respect as doctors — all while being given bullshit criticism by an Australian economist working at a desk far removed from the ER who sees the position in terms of cost-benefit ratio rather than capacity for human empathy. But who would willingly fill such a thankless position?

Certainly no one under this government. It’s a shame, really — there won’t be any nurses around to help with all the cranial-rectectomy surgeries that’ll be happening once our legislators realize you don’t want to irritate the people giving fluids to our broken health care system. They’ll all be partaking in chai lattes while our politicians are getting their heads removed from their asses. But don’t fret, government officials — the gas jockey helping you in the hospital should insert your catheter in the right location between 25 and 70 per cent of the time.