We’re so Gaga about last year, we’re practically Boyleing: the best and worst of pop culture in 2009

There was a lot of pressure for 2009 to round out the first decade of the 21st century. Luckily, Gateway pop culture pundits have spent the past year keeping their eyes on emerging talents, TV train wrecks, trends that had us moving, and a few that sucked (literally).

Best: Lady Gaga and her (eventual) global takeover

There’s really no denying that 2009 was defined by the rise of Lady Gaga. After two tours, four music videos, an album, and more than a few photos alluding to her potential penis, could there have been anyone bigger and badder than her? It helps that her music and videos are genuinely entertaining and contain smart commentary on celebrity culture. Although originally reliant on her LGBTQ fanbase, over the past year Gaga has grown into a legitimate celebrity that extends beyond an endless post-modern wardrobe and her bicuriosity.

For the time being, she’s my front-runner for who’s most likely to take over the world — pre-2012 destruction, of course. In fact, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of Ms. Gaga being tied to the apocalypse somehow. Picture it: on final day of the Mayan calendar, Lady Gaga unambiguously flashes her ambiguous genitalia on her My Monster Balls Tour, causing riots across all major cities across the world, simultaneously causing every volcano to erupt at once for some reason.

Worst: Get-famous quick schemes

On the other side of the fame spectrum, this year saw more wannabe celebrities than on an episode of Survivor: All-Stars. From Octomom to Balloon Boy, I’m having trouble delegating my all of my hate fairly.

I suppose that, at least, Octomom had enough brass to actually deliver eight children into the world at once, but Richard Heene — despite going through the trouble of building an experimental weather balloon that couldn’t have realistically carried away his son in the first place — wasn’t even able to lie to us right. “My son Falcon was hiding in the attic because he’s such a crazy character.” Seriously, people only believed this was true for a weekend before the police called B.S.

Unlike Lady Gaga, who actually has talent and toiled for three years to get the public’s attention, Heene tried to fast-track it by pulling the ol’ “my-child-is-trapped-in-my-flying-monstrosity” bit. Fittingly, Heene has been ordered to spend 90 days in prison for his deception, and while that’s a start, it doesn’t make up for the fact that I still have to know that this asshole exists.

Best: Underheard indie album

Sexy shimmering synths, hypnotic clean guitars, and achingly crooned boy-girl vocals: The xx’s self-titled debut album has it all. While Muse verged on the ridiculous with their bombastic rock operas, and Florence + the Machine burst into the scene with fresh, dance-along rock, these 20-year-old South Londoners stripped their brooding music down to the bare basics — and by that, I mean minimalistic and delicately entrancing works of art.

Throughout songs like “Crystalised,” sleek vocalsinter weave over drum beats fighting for aural space with lightly reverbed guitar lines. The xx flows somewhat like a later-era, stripped-down Radiohead, albeit with more morose vocals and less plaintive whining. And what’s more, the stunningly understated “Shelter” could very well be the most heart-wrenching song of ’09. A brilliantly enigmatic album filled to the brim with spectacular songs, xx is a stunner of a debut, and well-deserving of the title of Album of the Year.

Worst: Overheard major album

Pop quiz, hotshot: What do you get when you pair a fumbling Timbaland, who’s been on a downward spiral since his production work on Justin Timberlake’s last album, with past-his-prime grunge god Chris Cornell? The greatest album of the year.

Just kidding. Chris Cornell’s Scream is a train wreck of mammoth proportions. While it’s perhaps not the most musically atrocious album, it’s a sad reminder that when the mighty fall, it ain’t pretty. The singer, who once roared his way through grunge classics in Soundgarden and Audioslave has been replaced with a bewildering imitation that yelps and yowls over repetitive drum machine beats and jarring musical samples. Your response to this album should be the same as to a traffic accident — call for help immediately. Then drive the hell away.

Best: Beyonce’s music video for “Single Ladies,” a.k.a. “The Hottest Video of All Time”

“Single Ladies” was released in October of 2008, but it took most of 2009 for its cultural significance to be fully realized. The success of the three-minute cut can be attributed primarily to the dance choreography, but credit should also be given to its sharp visual style, catchy hook, and feminine strength. Bringing out her $5-million wedding ring probably didn’t hurt either. From the Saturday Night Live skit with Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Bobby Moynihan, to the tribute by the football team in the TV series Glee, Beyonce’s video has been prominent all year long. The sheer number of “Single Ladies”-inspired videos on YouTube is a testament to the impact the dance has made. In the year since it was released, the music video has become a dance floor craze and a cultural phenomenon. Just ask Kanye.

Worst: The sucky obsession with vampires

What happened to the days when teenage girls swooned over heartthrobs like Zac Efron or Adam Brody? Crushing on human beings is so 2008! From this cute-guy exhaustion has sprouted a mutated perversion, a twisted lust for blood-sucking monsters that only belong in horror flicks and cult documentaries. 13-year-old girls going crazy over vampires is so wrong. I’m genuinely concerned for the psychological health of our youth. I remember when vampires were feared, but it’s a little difficult for that now, what with their grey pea-coats and sissy eye shadow. This infatuation will only grow, perhaps to other mythological creatures. Maybe the go-to summer blockbuster of 2010 will be Snowlight, starring Brody Jenner as the Yeti. Best-case scenario: things go full circle and batsbecome all the rage, resulting in a new Batman movie. But sign me up for Team Robin!

Best: Susan Boyle had a dream

I was initially going to put this as Worst of the Year. After Boyle became an Internet sensation following her uplifting rendition of Les Miserables’ “I Dreamed a Dream” on Britain’s Got Talent, the press was almost tripping over themselves to write pieces discussing her meteoric rise to 15 minutes of fame. Usually, they described her in ways that were at best condescending insults (as the word “dowdy” enjoyed its Renaissance). She was even hospitalized due to the stress of being under the media’s 24-hour supervision, and she didn’t even end up being the competition’s winner.

But even after the occasionally vicious scrutiny over her personal appearance, it’s hard to argue against the end result: Boyle achieved her dream of becoming a professional singer. Her album, I Dreamed a Dream, has sold over 6 million copies and 2010 begins with Boyle on the top of the charts. There’s a fantasy realized in Boyle’s story that gives hope to millions: that a “normal” person with a special talent could become famous in our image-obsessed culture — even if they have to sell their soul to the Cowell devil in order for that to happen.

Worst: The Jon & Kate Plus 8 Ringling Brothers tabloid circus

In the span of only a few weeks, Jon & Kate Plus 8 went from being just another fine example of TLC’s commitment to shitty programming, to being at the nexus of a media tsunami the likes of which only a boy fraudulently drifting away in a helium balloon deserves. Things began to unravel in April when reports of Jon Gosselin’s extramarital screwing-around came out, which only got more in-depth as time went on after divorce proceedings were announced. A tabloid carpet-bombing ensued, the show enjoyed its highest ratings ever, and America’s water cooler discussions had everyone taking sides as to which parent was the least horrible asshole/bitch. After TLC made the move to change the show to Kate Plus 8, Jon filed a cease-and-desist, valiantly claiming that the children were now being exploited after only two years of paycheques. Even after the final episode aired, the Gosselins inexplicably continue to remain in the spotlight, although less so after the November premiere of Tiger & Elin Plus 14.

Best Sandra Bullock film: The Proposal

Being that I am a huge chick flick fanatic, I can confidently say that The Proposal is the best of its genre this past year. Although my slight obsession with heartthrob Ryan Reynolds swayed my opinion a bit, the script itself ultimately worked its magic on me. The plot reuses many typical chick flick tropes, but they all manage to exist in a perfect balance. The tension, stress, and awkwardness between Andrew Paxton (Reynolds) and his bitch-on-wheels boss Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock) had me laughing throughout the film.

My first laughing fit came as the two characters accidentally run into each other while wet and naked, creating a painful slapping sound. As the movie progressed, the ice-queen (Bullock) became more personable and less of “Satan’s mistress” (Paxton’s nickname for his Boss), which gradually led me to root for her. The happily-ever-after ending left me smiling and giddy. As you enter the semester and need a good distraction and a good laugh, sit yourself down with this movie.

Worst Sandra Bullock film: All About Steve

Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t a comedy need to have at least some sort of humour written into it? The laugh factor is exactly what All About Steve is missing, unless you find stalker-like obsession, crosswords, grown women who talk to hamsters, and a little deaf girl being stuck in a mine shaft funny. I should mention that the little-deaf-girl scene is the climax of the movie.

Bullock’s character, Mary Horowitz, is beyond being socially inept. I’m still wondering if there was a missed explanation about her having a serious psychological problem, as all of her bizarre behaviour is beyond the realm of “quirkiness.” The plot sees Mary get fired from her job as a crossword puzzle creator (yes, really) and then stalking her “true love” Steve (Bradley Cooper) across the country, while bonding with other social outcasts. If nothing else, at least All About Steve makes The Proposal seem even better.