Album Battle: The Johnstones vs. Parlour Steps

The Johnstones

Can’t Be Trusted
Stomp Records

vs.

Parlour Steps

The Hidden Names
Nine Mile Records

Opening hook

Johnstones: “Aren’t We Just such Ska-punk-rebels? Aren’t we? Aren’t we? You’re not paying attention to us!”
Parlour Steps: Candian Indie-folk Group 334B — Three Male, Two Female
Advantage: I feel like I’ve seen these two archetypes so much recently, so we’ll replace this category with a fill-in-the-blank.

“This band sounds like the love child of Panic! At The Disco and ...”

Johnstones: Hedley
Parlour Steps: KT Tunstall
Advantage: Steps. Easily. Both bands have that weird attention-grabbing-jukebox feel that PatD has become known for, but PS finds a way to evolve their own sound from it. On the flipside, Johnstones frontman Ryan Long has that identical nasal quality to Jacob Hoggard, in that both attempt to project an absurd quantity of pent-up rage through their noses when singing, possibly in an effort to disguise the incomprehensible lyrics. So: Steps.

Most Egregious F-Bomb

Johnstones: There could be some words in the title track, “Can’t Be Trusted,” that aren’t expletives, but Long’s delivery really does make it impossible to determine what they are. Honestly, Long’s vocals make it impossible to determine whether he’s actually singing or just reciting the Constitution. Oh, and the song’s theme appears to be "I am an asshole." Alright then.
Parlour Steps: “Ring That Bell,” where singer Caleb Stull drops one about midway through in such a tasteful manner that leaves you wondering whether he actually swore or if that was just a weird earwax reverberation in your head.
Advantage: Parlour Steps, for correctly understanding the concept of shock value.

Best use of pounding pianos

Johnstones: “What’s Your Story,” opens the album with a bang. And I’m sorry to keep ragging on him, but Long’s nasal stylings proceeds to completely obliterate the beautifully-framed song. The man sounds like a Sesame Street flu victim — please stop him.
Parlour Steps: “Miraculous,” which has a better chorus than the rest of the song, unfortunately. However, Alison Maira’s effusive keyboarding keeps the whole thing wonderfully grounded.
Advantage: Hopefully, the Johnstones will pick up a point sometime. Perhaps when they boot Long. Another one for Steps.

Best sequence not actually involving singing

Johnstones: “What Are You Drinking?” is the best of four or five short little recorded-conversation interludes to serve as introductions to the songs. I believe it’s an argument/conversation in a bar that leads to a random hook-up — it’s surprisingly charming and, sadly, the best track on the disc.
Parlour Steps: The last two minutes of “Bad Math,” where the group tosses around a simple eight-note scale in a musical game of chicken, each voice and instrument attempting to top the one before it. Absolutely lovely.
Advantage: Steps. They have fun and reflect it in their music; the Johnstones are desperately loud in attempting to prove how much fun(!) they’re having in their ska-based-stylings. Guess which one of these makes for a good album?

Cover Art Metaphor

Johnstones: The five members of the band, all wearing slutty fireman outfits, glaring at the camera with expressions ranging from “This is mildly demeaning,” to “Wait, this is the GQ shoot, right?” to “Hell yes, I’m on an album cover!” Three guesses as to who that last one is.
Parlour Steps: The moon. It’s blue. That’s about it. Sure, if you open up the album, you see the band decked out in business casual, but the cover’s all about the moon.
Advantage: Meh. Johnstones are mildly idiotic, but they’ve at least got something going on there.

Verdict

This is no contest — even with the two-point advantages the Johnstones get for having a similar name to the reviewer, Parlour Steps easily stomps them into the ground under their immaculately-laced black loafers. The J’s will provide a quick flash-in-the-pan; the Steps will outlast them to such an insane degree that it’s not even funny. And for their part, the Steps aren’t perfect, with Stull’s voice getting drowned out by the orchestrals once too often, but they’re intriguing and listenable, and that’s enough to handily win this bout.