Shirtless hunks save New Moon from awkward K-Stew

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Directed by Chris Weitz
Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner
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The second installment of the Twilight series has finally been released, and we all know what that means — the Twi-hards have once again been unleashed upon society, decked out in all kinds of Twilight paraphernalia, ready to gang-beat anyone who dares defile the holy name of Edward Cullen. As such, I may need to hire a bodyguard after the publication of this review.

New Moon begins as Twilight heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) heads into her senior year of high school, having just turned 18. This is a pretty distressing milestone, because it officially makes her one year older than her immortal vampire boy-toy Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who is forever trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy.

As if that isn’t bad enough, after almost being devoured by the young, still human-hungry Cullen brother Jasper, Bella finds herself suddenly dumped by Edward, and the entire Cullen clan leaves town. This flings Bella into a depression of unprecedented angsty proportions, and she's only able to soothe her pain by riding motorcycles and jumping off of cliffs to incite hallucinations of her lost lover. Jacob (Taylor Lautner), Bella’s childhood friend, also helps see her through the tough aftermath of her break-up, but things get complicated when he proceeds to fall in love with Bella, and then discovers he’s a werewolf to boot. As any teen would say in a situation like this: FML.

Due in large part to the fact that we aren’t forced to watch the constipated chemistry between Pattinson and Stewart for most of the film, New Moon is much more tolerable than its predecessor Twilight. However, without Pattinson present, there’s nothing to distract the audience from the fact that Kristen Stewart is in desperate need of some acting classes. Her constantly fluttering eyelashes and stuttering, monotonous line delivery either makes her seem confused or just plain bored for most of the movie, and her emotions seem rather inappropriate for a leading lady who’s responsible for carrying the entire plot of the film.

However, director Chris Weitz knows exactly how to remedy this shortcoming for audiences composed mostly of salivating teenage girls: hordes of half-naked boys! 17-year-old beefcake Taylor Lautner is so ripped he appears to have been popping steroids like Flintstones vitamins, and he and his four werewolf buddies literally spend the entire movie running around clad only in tiny blue shorts. This, luckily, provides ample distraction from K-Stew’s inexplicably identical facial expression in every scene. Her lack of acting prowess also isn’t helped by the fact that her character spends an overwhelming portion of the movie moping incessantly. She whines about hating her birthday; hating her average appearance in comparison to Edward’s beauteous, godlike perfection; hating being a human and not a vampire (screw eternal damnation, she’s in love, okay?), and the list goes on. By the end of the movie, it’s hard to understand why anyone even likes Bella, much less why she has multiple kinds of fantasy characters clamouring for her affections.

New Moon will surely please fans of the series, as it stays steadfastly true to the book, basically lifting all of the dialogue word for word from its pages. All the shirtless boys and their rippling abs don’t hurt either. If you enjoy either of these things, this film just might appeal to you.