Winning at cheating: a not so comprehensive guide

Life is hard. There’s no secret or manual — we’re all just sort of playing it by ear. There’s no right or wrong way to go through life, just an easy way and a hard way.  The hard way involves work, dedication, motivation, aggravation, archaeological excavation, rhyming skills, etc. So we can all agree the hard way is way too hard. It’s clear you need to take the easy way out. After all, with great effort comes great responsibility. And you don’t want any of that shit. The only proper, respectable course of action to take is to cheat on, at, around, and underneath everything.

Tyler Hein: Yes, we messed up the Joker quote from the Superman movie. Get over it, nerds!

Andrew Jeffrey:  “The hard way is way too hard?” That’s the best we can do? So much wasted money on arts degrees.

TH: I’ve always said that lyin’, cheatin’, swindlin’, bamboozlin’, Heinin’, whatever you choose to call it is the best way to go. People like to negatively call it the “easy way out” like it’s a bad thing. First of all, how could the easy way be a bad thing? And second of all, people don’t seem to realize how difficult it is to build and maintain a complex web of lies. Every day of my life is like I’m the Flash trying to maintain his secret identity of Tony Stark while living in his fortress of solitaire.

AJ: What?

TH: I assume it’s like ... a house of cards or something.

AJ: Nevermind. Cheating doesn’t seem ideal only because that’s what society wants you to think. If you sheeple would just open your minds and step outside the box society has built around you, you would realize that cheaters. Always. Prosper. Cheating is a win-win situation. You win, and then when you win, you win!

TH: What about when people get caught cheating? Isn’t that losing?

AJ: Those people are doing it wrong. It’s a skill, it needs to be nurtured and mastered. But university is essentially a training ground to educate us students on the best ways to cheat.

TH: It baffles me that people still do it wrong. Luckily, we’re here to help. Maybe. If you’re reading this. And I’m so glad none of my professors or anyone of importance is.

AJ: Schooling in general is the like first level of a video game. It teaches you how to do it, tells you how you could get caught, and walks you through step-by-step so you can succeed easily. Then you move on to the higher levels where you’re cheating on your significant other and Heinin’ the government.

TH: Most ways to cheat are incredibly easy. Cheating on tests — look at their paper. Cheating on essays — use a thesaurus and rearrange sentences. Heinin’ the government — steal $27,000 and frame it on a poor, innocent business student. Now time for the hard ones. Let’s start with cheating in relationships. Andrew, go!

AJ: That sounds like something a huge dickbag would do…. Hey, Tyler you’re right here! Didn’t see you there, what do you think?

TH: What are you talking about? I’m a married man with a baby on the way.

AJ: Since when?

TH: Some kind of friend you are — you were the best man! Remember? I pitted a group of my friends against each other in a systematic set of games designed to see who was the fastest, strongest and most willing to kill and be killed to be the best ... man.

AJ: That sounds like The Hunger Games.

TH: Never heard of it. Did they finally make that documentary about my bachelor party? About time. Anyways, you were saying something about cheating on the only person who will ever truly love you in your entire life?

AJ: She ... she reads this….

TH: Sounds nice.

AJ: She’s so supportive. Anyways, not that I’m doing it, but if I was — which I’m not — I make sure to consistently have burner phones and tell her I’m only a drug dealer. I’d also nickname both women the name of the other one so I can never say the wrong name and burn all my clothes so no one can find out about my sexcapades yesterday.

TH: But, the most important thing to consider when cheating your way through life is cheating your way past death.

AJ: Isn’t that the same thing?

TH: Entirely different concepts. Two opposite words. Nice use of that arts degree.

AJ: Aren’t you getting an arts degree?

TH: Fuck no. I’m pre-law. And pre-med!

AJ: All right genius, how do you cheat death?

TH: Be really good at chess. Obviously. You pull your rook out and checkmate over everything. The board, the walls, his face.

AJ: We almost went a whole blog without a masturbation joke.

TH: I know. I was…. Shit. I know I have something for this. I’ll come back to it.

AJ: Now that I look at this blog —

TH: I can’t think of one because I blew my load too early on previous blogs.

AJ: I hope you’re proud. But we haven’t given a single piece of useful advice here. We’re just two douchebags arguing over who is better at doing bad things.

TH: I didn’t realize we were arguing. I thought we were agreeing on how good we are at it. Comparing notes, swapping stories…. Cheat off?

AJ: What do you mea —

TH: GO!

AJ: I don’t know what to do.

TH: I’ve never written anything true or original in university — suck it, Gateway. My name isn’t even Tyler Hein! Identity fraud is the biggest cheat. I went full Hein!

AJ: I’m actually a fine, upstanding citizen. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am today and I’m proud of what my hard work has accomplished. I supposed I’ve lied to you and our dwindling number of readers here by making it seem like I cheat as much as you. I really only have one thing to say to that…
Do you feel cheated? *Pulls off sunglasses* YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!

Tyler Hein is happily married, and looking. Andrew Jeffrey has thriving Plenty of Fish and U of A Connections accounts under the usernames WhenLifeHandsYouAJeffrey and BackInAJeffy respectively. The line starts here, ladies.

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