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A prime collection of potential pious papal prodigies

Mar 06, 2013

Pope Benedict’s sudden resignation has come as a shock to Catholics all over the world. Since a successor hasn’t been chosen yet,  The Gateway has a few suggestions to help the Catholic Church choose a new Pope.

Hannah Madsen
Gateway Writer

In this year’s religious/political conclave, there’s one candidate in particular who’s got a bit of a dark side to him and is an obvious shoe-in: Palpatine. He’s got a hooded cloak and a face similar to the former Pope Benedict, but is more ruthless and prepared to usher in a new Dark Age for the Catholic Church.

When he becomes Pope, there will be cookies to entice people to the Dark Side and all kinds of perks, including an increase in nepotism and the ability for Cardinals to telekinetically strangle their underlings. How can we lose? The only downside to Palpatine as a candidate for the papacy is that he’s already quite old, and probably won’t have a long stretch as leader — just like Pope Benedict XVI.

Cameron Lewis
Sports Editor

One guy who should definitely be filing an application for Pope is good old George Feeny from Boy Meets World. Feeny would steer the Catholic Church in the right direction with his infinite wisdom about life’s great challenges such as growing up, how to handle difficulties in relationships with friends, family and significant others, and always doing the right thing — even if it seems hard at the time. These are core values all of us could use some help with, and Pope Feeny would be the perfect guy to guide us. 

Controversy around homosexuals, minorities and women in the Catholic Church are swirling out of control right now. It’s clear the Church needs a hero. Demonstrated by his fairness, positive example setting and ability to do the right thing, it’s pretty obvious George would be able to steer the Church out of these murky waters and back into a positive light.

If the big guy Himself or his secretaries are reading this, I certainly hope they agree that George would be an excellent Pope.

Ryan Bromsgrove
Business Manager

We last saw Solid Snake at the end of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Due to his accelerated aging, he was an old man with maybe a year left to live. Well, I’ve got the perfect retirement package for Old Snake: Pope.

The Vatican is now more badass. There you are, a cardinal about to break the celibacy vow with that cute nun you had your eye on, when Old Snake emerges from his cardboard box disguise and chokes you til you fall unconscious. That’ll learn ya.

Oh, what’s that? Ran out of wine and planning to steal some from the papal cellar? Nice try. Unfortunately, Pope Snake’s still wearing his octocamo and blends in perfectly with his surroundings. That ain’t a bottle of wine you just grabbed — it’s Snake’s dick. And now he’s pissed.

So then you’re in bed, alone and feeling lonely. Maybe you start touching yourself. Not so fast: masturbation is a sin. Pope Snake will be there, hiding in the closet, watching over you, and ready to hit you with a tranquilizer dart.

“A killer can’t be Pope,” you say? Sounds like you never did a no-kill run. Get yourself back to Shadow Moses island and try again. And don’t forget: Snake has God’s codec frequency.


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