Turns out I’m pretty much the single greatest guy who ever lived
Darcy Ropchan
Gateway Staff
Feb 01, 2012
Everywhere I go, people always ask me why I’m so great. Professors, doctors and politicians all want to know, “What is it that makes you so much smarter, handsome and better than us?” And I honestly don’t know. Being awesome isn’t a choice: it’s something that you’re born with.
If you don’t understand why people look up to me, consider this: there are no positive role models these days. Sure, Susan Boyle may have won the hearts of millions by singing a stupid song on TV. And president Obama tried to give us change that we could believe in. Anyone can sing and change things. But do they write consistently hilarious humour articles all while maintaining a solid D+ average? Hell no. That’s a feat that only a select few can pull off. And by a select few, I refer here to myself.
The next question that I get asked the most, after “Will you marry me?” is “Can you please teach me to stop being a loser, and start being as great as you?” At first I thought that was impossible. You can’t teach someone to be an artist. You either have it or you don’t. But the more I think about it, the more I realize this world could use a little more Darcy in it. I’m willing to give a small glimpse into my life, so you might become maybe a tenth as awesome as I am.
The first thing you should do is act like you don’t give a shit about anything. Cool people like me don’t have time to care about what other people say or think. I don’t listen to every little detail about some pointless story that my friends or family tell. I’m a busy guy and have places to be.
The best way to seem like you’re too awesome to care is to give one word answers to everything you’re told. Is your friend telling you about how they just got their test results back from the doctor and it doesn’t look good? Just reply with a simple “oh” or “sounds cool.” Bonus points for texting on your phone while they’re trying to unload their worries on you. You’re worrying about important, awesome stuff. You don’t have time for cancer diagnoses.
The next step is to always show up late for everything. Class, dates, weddings, funerals, anything. I’m so awesome that I can’t bother to remember when things start. Who has the time for that? I always show up at least half an hour late to everything I’m invited to. Showing up late makes people think you were too busy doing awesome shit to arrive on time.
I was once 45 minutes late to my great-great-grandmother’s funeral. I tried to be as loud as I could when I entered so everyone would know that I’d arrived.
I could hear my family whispering to each other. They must have been saying: “Gee, he’s late and he reeks of cigarettes and alcohol. He must have been busy doing something awesome last night.” Just remember my motto: “I’m great, I’m going to be late, make them wait.”
There’s much more, but you’ll never be as awesome, suave and well-dressed as I am, so it’s not worth trying. But if you’ve deluded yourself otherwise and want to follow in my footsteps, take my advice as a starting point. Some of you might be asking, “Why would we ever want to be like you?” Well, because fuck you, that’s why.
Comments
Can Darcy stop writing for a while? It’s the same shtick over and over again. It never adds new jokes. It’s always “I don’t care about this. Oh, what? You do? Well then you’re stupid and I’m great.” At least your other comedy writers like Chury or the guys who do blog hawk down don’t hash out the same article with the same jokes every week in a desperate attempt to seem cool and get laid
Posted by GB on Feb 01, 2012
The funny thing about a wild badass like darcy is he doesnt have time to read your humorless looking for something to do comments
Posted by Christian on Feb 02, 2012
GB,
There are two major problems with your comment:
1. Darcy doesn’t have to ‘seem’ cool, he simply is.
2. He doesn’t have to ‘try’ and get laid either, vagina is his encore.
If Darcy stops writing for the Gateway I’m going to put Tiger Balm on all the girls toilet seats in HUB, and do my best to find a guy to get the men’s rooms as well.
AJ out.
Posted by AJ on Feb 02, 2012
As a Brad Chury enthusiast, I would like to commend GB on dropping Mr. Chury’s name. I’m glad you don’t think he rehashed the same sort of stuff all of the time. That said, you know how tough it is to be original?! Mr. Darcy here has got a great “I don’t give a shit” attitude that translates quite well into writing. He writes what he knows and that is kind of how this stuff works. If you, GB, think you can write funnier stuff then by all means step up to go stomp the yard.
Also, dicks dicks dicks dicks.
Posted by BC on Feb 07, 2012
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