Selena Philips-Boyle

STAR WARD Promise us we’ll get this bitch into space.

Time for some awesome campaign promises

Feb 15, 2012

Ryan Bromsgrove
Opinion Editor

I think I speak for every sleepy student on campus when I say I want me some all-day-breakfast.

Look, I’m a guy who loves his sleep. Sometimes — okay, often — I want to wake up at 11 a.m. and saunter my way to campus an hour or so later. But by the time I get there, my only option for breakfast is the off chance L’Express still has a breakfast muffin sitting around. And sitting under a heat lamp for a while, that’s hardly an option.

No, what I want is the ability to sleep in really late and still be able to grab something with a combination of eggs, sausage and bacon when I finally show up on campus. And I don’t mean to sound crazy here, but maybe a hash brown as well.

There’s no reason RATT can’t keep a carton of eggs and a package of bacon handy, and charge me $10 for a scramble. That shit takes like five minutes to cook, and I’ll pay top dollar for the convenience of sitting down to a beer with my breakfast at 3:30 p.m. on a Tuesday. Yeah I could just wake up five minutes earlier, but I’m a busy guy. Did Churchill have five minutes while he was fighting a war?

It doesn’t have to be a complicated breakfast menu. I’m not asking for huevos rancheros — though if you offer me that beautiful King of Mexican Breakfast, I will work as your campaign manager for free. All I want are the simple, basic essentials. Promise me those, and you’ve got all of my votes.

Tyler Hein
Gateway Staff

Year after year, election after election, prospective candidates make promises to voters with no intention of ever following through on them. Those of us who actually care are always hurt by these batch of lies. “They promised us the world and gave us nothing!” you probably scream out regularly around election time.

Since many promises never take form anyways, why taunt us with ones that might dramatically improve our school life? I would love to see real candidates make the same promises joke candidates would make. We both know that they will never come true, so I see no harm in a little fantasy. Why not promise us a waterpark in SUB — or slip n’ slides at the very least. During the day we’ll go to class in FAB, but at night: laser tag. And the candidate will promise both without adding a single solitary cent to our fees.

You want to know the great thing about these ridiculous, outrageous, completely-stupid-if-not-a-joke campaign promises? They work. Ask Mr. Yamagishi himself how well implementing joke promises works in getting elected. Cough. Campus Musical. Cough.

Matthew Hirji
Gateway Staff

I’ve heard my fair share of SU election promises during my seven years at the U of A. Some candidates have promised that they’d fight to lower tuition, while others have guaranteed more transparency. I think presidential candidate Michael Janz promised that he’d burn Lister Hall to the ground and build a residence of solid gold on the smouldering ashes.

But there’s only one word a candidate needs for this year’s Students’ Union election to get my vote: space.

North Campus needs to be uprooted from its miserable location on the banks of the picturesque North Saskatchewan river, equipped with hundreds of rocket launchers and then blasted into low-earth orbit.

Only then will our astronomy students have an upper hand in their studies. Only then will we be able to do battle with those obnoxious “northern lights” that keep this city awake at night. And only then will we become one of the world’s top 20 universities by 2020.

Of course, there will be a few technical difficulties along the way. But no lack of oxygen or black holes can force us to let go of our dream.

Welcome to space, U of A! Population 45,000. Let’s blast off.

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