The Vexed Vagina: Rethinking Marriage
Bethany Zelent
Gateway Writer
Oct 23, 2012
If your Facebook news feed is anything like my own, it’s been exploding with wedding dresses, engagements and ultrasound photos. If you’re not one to get hitched as soon as its legal, you may be feeling left in the Facebook dust. It seems like people are asking the same question over and over: When are you tying the knot? When are you settling down?
When it comes down to it, marriage these days seems to be more valued in society than a woman’s self-actualization.
A couple I know are getting married this month. I asked the woman if she would be taking her man’s last name. She said yes, and he interjected with: “If she wants the money, she has to take the name.” The whole concept of the woman changing her name essentially isolates the woman, cutting off ties from her former life and family. This makes her life before marriage seem invalid, to the point where it’s harder to find married women on Facebook if one doesn’t know her married name.
This only reinforces the institution of marriage as just that: an institution. Women essentially become their man’s possession and are expected to embody the values of a “good wife.” Unfortunately, the women’s movement has had a difficult time penetrating this aspect of society because it’s been indoctrinated for centuries. Think about this:
“So and so sitting in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love, then comes, marriage
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”
What about an education? Or a career? What about abolishing such an archaic idea of love that can only be legitimized through a document made by men?
Instead of defining women through their marriage (or lack thereof), society could relinquish its presumptions and free women from martyrdom. They could become anything and everything they ever wanted without the guilt of being a “bad wife” or “bad mother” for doing something selfish. Many women choose to not go to school or receive higher education to focus on their families, which is fine and dandy if it’s not out of fear of betraying social code.
Consider a plan to negotiate how your marriage could unfold, especially if you decide to have children. Decide when and who will get the opportunity to develop their career or education and who will assume the majority of family duties. This should alleviate the pressure (specifically on the woman) to let both partners realize their dreams.
The expectation of the “good wife” should become expectations for the couple, so that the wife can finally be the one to put her feet up on her golden retriever and smoke a pipe by the fire, all while her husband fixes her a sandwich.
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A number of your points are very valid and hinting at an imbalance we do, of course, see in sociey. Men on average still make more money than women and often do get priority in a number of workplaces (depending on the job of course) to name a few. This is, of course not equal and why we have a number of right movements/activists/groups (such as feminists) In our day and age it’s completely ridiculous that the girl was expected to take the name of her husband in order to receive her allowance somehow hinting that she couldn’t be the breadwinner or, at least, earn her own way. This truly saddens me. Your right, in this situation, where does she get to ACTUALIZE her dreams?
At the same time I think we must be careful not to be creating fear around marriage. Marriage can, of course, be a beautiful thing.
What happened to making a promise to another human to stay together for life? “archaic?” I should hope that Love, of course in it’s many forms is more than a feeling and should stand the test of time. Marriage is the promise to stay together through the thick and thin. (again, is this primise archaic?) I personally beleive that marriage holds us to our promise to stay together and is more binding than just dating, isn’t it. Is it archaic to make the promise to love another until the end of time by using vows (and beyond?)
Perhaps becuase the divorce rate is around the 50% mark perhaps we do become very skeptic of this idea of “love,” and moreso marriage. Does love really exist? does marriage really exist? However, I do think that we have to redifine what our society believs love is. Twilight is a sad, sad example of how people believe love is and looks like, however, to go into love and what it is would make me go on forever. Suffice it to say that our common society idea of love is very superficial.
If people choose not to marry then of course that is their right. If others want to get married then by redifining marriage by setting the example of equality within theirs can in turn be an example for society. When we blame “men” and the like this is actually a tpye of sexism in itself, isn’t it? Are all men to blame? Of course, not all men are to blame. Not all men force their wives to change their name and perpetuate the inequality of men and women(hyphenating names or keeping their own is growing in popularity, of course)
Today, the average age in a canada a woman has a child is 30 *this is lower in Alberta for a number of reasons. However, this is real proof that women are persuing their dreams and futures. Although the equality movement and we as women do have a ways to go before being considered truly equal we have made a lot of progress and for the most part really aren’t considered property anymore. As far as finding women on facebook, I am sure it’ll be fine if they use they’re maiden name if they have chosen to change theirs or hyphenate.
Posted by Jen on Oct 23, 2012
“So and so sitting in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love, then comes, marriage
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”
It’s important to recognize that this school of thought puts pressures on women and men. We all have traditional roles that we are expected to follow. With the daily struggles that women go through, this is often forgotten and the blame is placed on men. Let’s get a little crazy and say - maybe men have non-tradition dreams they want to chase?
There ARE people who choose to follow traditional roles and this should be respected. Sure, the comment about the name and money exchange made me cringe, but maybe it works for them! You need to realize what works best in your own situation. For example, I chose to take my husband’s name because my maiden name is a pain to spell. I’m not about to reject practicality so that I can keep one man’s name over another’s.
Be practical. Consider your partner in your feminist fight. Decide with your partner what marriage means to you and if you want to be part of the institution. And choose your partner wisely.
Posted by A on Oct 24, 2012
I just got married. I got pregnant exactly one month after we got married. I graduate in the winter semester. I love my life. Is it crazy and stressful? Yeah, it is. Is it all worth it? Yeah.
You do make good points. The couple should talk BEFORE marriage about roles within the marriage, and what they are wanting their life together to be. Both my husband and I wanted to have kids young and we are both on board with me being a stay at home mom. This is our choice. We wouldn’t expect anyone else to make this choice, but we would like people to respect ours.
I also took my husband’s last name because we wanted our family to have the same last name. Again, it’s a morally neutral issue. No big deal if you decide you want something different.
Most women I know are waiting until they have their degrees to settle down. I’m cool with that, although it wasn’t what I thought was necessary in my situation. The danger is when you go too far and women are told that they are “letting other women down” when they want to stay home and have babies. Each woman needs to figure out her priorities. If she waits too long to get her degree and get established in the workforce before she has a baby it may be way harder for her to get pregnant without fertility treatments. It’s about priorities. Each woman needs to figure out her own.
Posted by C on Oct 31, 2012
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