Photo Illustration: Dan McKechnie
FIRING MY LASER Why stop at study space and natural lighting when you can slap a laser on the sucker?
SUB renovation ideas that really kick some ass
Feb 01, 2012
The plan for SUB includes some nifty looking renovations. But The Gateway wonders if we can’t think up a few better ideas.
Katelyn Hoffart
Gateway Staff
When the mere thought of stepping out into -40C weather induces irrepressible fits that leave you sprawled across the floor crying, it’s time to consider a tropical holiday. But since most of us are poor from spending all of our earnings on tuition and booze, the beach is going to have to come to the U of A.
If I’m going to have to kick in a whole $9 for SUB renovations, we’re going to do it my way. To cope with the seemingly endless winter months, the renovation priority needs to be a tropical oasis located in SUB. We’ll clear out the whole bottom level of the bookstore and uncomfortable seating and replace it with sand. None of that half-assed playground sand; we’re talking about imported white granular perfection from Mexico.
Of course there will be turquoise-blue water home to thousands of friendly dolphins just as we were promised by all those pleasant SeaWorld commercials. Maybe even a shark just to keep things interesting. The temperature will be wonderfully warm, and margaritas will be served by shirtless muscular pool boys. Lots of pool boys. Furthermore the coup de grâce of this venue would be an artistic fountain that gushes out tequila. Let’s do the right renovation here: say yes to majestic marine mammals and resort-like grandeur.
Ryan Bromsgrove
Opinion Editor
SUB needs giant mechanical legs. It’s no fun being stuck in this one position on campus. A simple spider-like contraption could be attached to its sides, enabling the whole building to shamble across to Humanities and drop students off, rather than force them to face the unforgiving cold and minor discomfort associated with walking. Don’t want to take the elevator to RATT? No problem. Just get SUB to trot over to Dewey’s instead.
Better, once we have SUB walking, it’s only a little more work to attach a couple of lasers to the side of it. Thus weaponized, we can take over the city. Not even mutant Stephen Mandel could stand up to that sort of mighty power. University Hall will be the first building to go, followed by Old Arts — because seriously.
That’s right. Give me eight mechanical legs and a laser for each side of the building, and forget renovating SUB. I’m going to renovate the shit out of all of campus.
Adrian Lahola-Chomiak
Gateway Writer
I am sick of having to wait for elevators and waddle with crowds up and down stairs all around campus. I dream of more efficient modes of transport, whisking me down stories while simultaneously clearing up space for those going up. It sound like a pipe dream but I think that it is time to implement a fireman pole system.
Imagine it. Sliding down to the bookstore after a round of tequila shots at RATT for lunch. Imagine not having to deal with crowds of people who walk up the centre of the stairs single file. Imagine people not taking the elevator down two floors because they’re too lazy to walk over to the stairs.
I’m sure some wusses out there are thinking about the possible safety issues associated with cutting a hole through a building and then getting to slide down a pole unharnessed. To them I would say that we have to stop coddling students and practice some natural selection. Handrails? Emergency stop buttons? Time to man up and slide down the big shiny metal pole and suck up those broken ankles you’ll get at the bottom.
Some people say that I’m a dreamer, but I do believe that if we drop our petty campaigns for student space and making the lower level of SUB useful, and unite behind the cause of relieving stair and elevator congestion with fireman poles, we can get it done.
Andrew Jeffrey
Gateway Staff
This might sound crazy, but if SUB could get elevators that go even just a month without having to be serviced, that’d be the most incredible improvement. Yes, there’s always the alternative of taking the incredibly creepy concrete staircase, but let’s be honest, none of us feel safe taking those. For the sake of us all not feeling like we’re about to be assaulted, please, fix the elevators.
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For the final show of the year, Ryan, Darcy and Adrian sit down for an hour and talk about stuff they like.
