I’m tired of old people in my classes. Post-secondary education should be for the young and vibrant who still have their best years to give to this world, not the old farts who’ve been hanging around past their prime. Now, I’m not saying we need to segregate our classes using some ageist ruling, but we could use something to protect the university experience for those of us whose hair hasn’t started to turn grey yet. Personally, I’m a big fan of adapting the model put forward in the great 1967 science fiction novel and cautionary tale about the dangers of old people, Logan’s Run. In the novel, people over 21 are put to death to conserve resources. This should be done with older people at the U of A — minus the execution, of course.
The young adult experience of higher education is suffering because of this serious issue. When I sit down in class with a venti Pumpkin Spice Latte, listening to my Taylor Swift playlist and talking to friends about how wasted I got at Knoxville’s Tavern this weekend, the last thing I need is someone leaning in to tell me how there used to be a post office where this and that dance club used to be. If I try and communicate back with some hilarious Confession Bear or Success Kid meme, they don’t even laugh. I mean, it’s like they don’t even tumblr.
That’s why we need to institute a Logan’s Run type situation. Now, before people start crying about how in Logan’s Run all the people over 21 are killed at a “sleepshop,” I would propose that we institute some sort of Logan’s Run Lite instead. Think of it as an ecological experiment where instead of quietly euthanizing a portion of the population like in the movie, we just tranquilize them and release them back into their natural habitat, full of early bird specials and five-pin bowling.
The only tricky part would be how the plan is executed. Logan’s Run definitely shows off the danger of using the honour system, but that doesn’t mean we have to eliminate it entirely. Students above the cutoff age could voluntarily remove themselves from campus and classes but if they fail to do so within say, 24 hours, a highly trained “transition squad” composed of one executive from every student group on campus could come to remove them.
Just how old is too old isn’t an easy question to answer, but in this 20 year old’s opinion, once you hit 30, you’re basically a senior. I don’t look forward to the day that I look at those 30 candles with my geriatric eyes but when it happens, I won’t be hanging around Biology 108 bugging the youth. If I am, I hope there’s someone there to stop me.
This could be the perfect way to preserve the university experience for those of us in the prime of our lives. It’s a humane alternative to what we see in Logan’s Run and it saves us the embarrassment of wondering why it suddenly smells like mothballs. Students at the university are always talking about how the school doesn’t really feel like a community, and maybe this is one thing we could do to bring ourselves a little closer together. If you see someone who is old, do the right thing and report it for the greater good.
On this special short edition of The Gateway Presents, we celebrate the Gateway’s 103rd birthday by telling some birthday stories and talking about The Gateway’s history.
Since this is a music blog and not an exhausted-consideration-on-moments-in-my-life Tumblr blog, what better way to gain some clarity to what I’ve listened to in the past 11 months than order and number songs (one for each month) that I’ve found to be the best and most worthwhile from the past eleven months?
What renowned paleontologist Phillip Currie initially thought was a turtle shell poking out of the ground turned out to be an almost fully intact baby dinosaur — and one of the most significant finds of his career.
Ron Woodroof’s life is one of constant debauchery, highlighted by drug addiction, alcoholism and hypersexuality. When the homophobic electrician and amateur rodeo cowboy is diagnosed with HIV AIDS, he reacts with disbelief and anger, beginning Dallas Buyers Club, a powerful story of one man’s resilience amidst the 1980s AIDS epidemic from Canadian director Jean-Marc Vallée.
I’m about 99 per cent sure Lorde is the absolute coolest 16-year-old who’s ever lived. Her debut album Pure Heroine’s two biggest singles, “Royals” and “Tennis Court,” both serve up some seriously iconic makeup looks in their music videos. Here’s a quick step-by-step to recreate her look in “Tennis Court.”