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We’d enjoy life more if inanimate objects could tell us what to do

Jul 30, 2012

Jonathan Faerber
Gateway Staff

If toilets can now talk, why not toiletries? You know, the shampoo bottle that rarely gets touched, that body soap you pick up only every other day ­— pretty much everything hygiene-related should insult you on a regular basis — all under the guise of friendly “advice,” of course. Sort of like your parents used to. Or still do.

So when you’re back from a wild night out, about to crash, your bathroom items will be able to call after you: “Hey, where do you think you’re going son? Come back here and clean yourself up. You’re a disgusting mess. No, that’s all right, I don’t need to hear the details, I don’t want to.”

It doesn’t end there, of course. You’ll be taking a shower, wanting to be left alone, but your face wash will insist on yelling in, well, your face, “Yo! Bro, you need help. Desperately. When’s the last time you shaved? Yep, that’s what I thought. Get yourself together dude, and start doing something about your appearance. It’s no wonder you don’t have a life.”

At which point you should probably reconsider your product — except that once one talks, all brands will compete for commercial conversations on the shelf. Or maybe that’s just you hallucinating. In which case you should look into talking pill bottles.

Scott Fenwick
Gateway Staff

What every computer should have is a very loud voice warning users when they are about to send a “reply-all” email. The reply-all button found on email programs is abused much more frequently than it’s actually used properly.

In fact, using that button is rarely necessary, save for the time when something’s getting co-ordinated. In most other instances, it’s used by people who either aren’t paying attention or don’t know how to use email. Take for example federal immigration minister Jason Kenney. In doing a reply-all to an email sent to all Alberta Conservative MPs and their assistants, he called Alberta Deputy Premier Thomas Lukaszuk a “complete and utter asshole.” Since Kenney responded to the initial email in exactly five minutes, he probably didn’t notice that he sent his response to everyone.

Although that’s a high-profile case, there are more mundane abuses of the reply-all button that lead people to look like idiots. At least once a month at my work, someone will reply-all to emails sent to the “All Edmonton Staff” mailing list. To save cringe-worthy moments like these, people need to realize that reply-all is the nuclear button of email, and needs to be treated with fear and respect.

Ravanne Lawday
Gateway Staff

I’m an extremely forgetful person, and sometimes it has some pretty serious drawbacks. If you had to ask me what item I lose the most, it would be my keys, without question.

That’s why, if I could have any one object communicate with me, I’d have my keys tell me where they are whenever I lose them. Well, more like I’d have them yell at me whenever I lose them.

My keychain is usually found in some random area of the house; a laundry pile, under the couch, in the freezer (yes, this actually happened). Most of the time, they go missing in a sound-proof area — hence the need for them to yell their location.

If, for some reason, this innovation comes to fruition, I’d probably save about an hour a week searching the house for my keychain. This is an hour I could spend doing things that are actually productive. If we can have talking urinal cakes, surely we can tap into the usefulness of keys.

Darcy Ropchan
Opinion Editor

Everybody wants to lose weight and get jacked but who has the time and motivation to go to the gym every day? Between sleeping all day and stuffing my face with junk food I certainly don’t. That’s why I would love to have some talking gym equipment and clothes.

Think about it, you’re lounging around your house saying, “I’ll go to the gym a little later.” You keep saying this, but you know you’ll never go. That’s when a little automated voice from inside your gym bag says, “Hey fatso, you ain’t getting any skinnier.” It might be mean and hurtful, but that’s what you need to get motivated.

Your talking gym clothes can also help you when it comes to making healthy food choices. If you’re about to chow down on some grease-soaked junk food your sweat pants could say, “Are you really eating another hamburger? I’m already stretched as far as I can go.”

These talking gym clothes might give a blow to your self-esteem, but it’ll motivate you to work out harder and run that extra mile — making you healthy and giving you outer beauty, which is all that really matters.

Ryan Bromsgrove
Editor-in-Chief

Talking sex toys, people. Think about it. I mean really, think about it. You’ve seen the Fleshlight that comes in the shape of a mouth, right? Well what if while they aren’t accepting your gargantuan penis, those rubbery lips are talking to you?

“Good morning, Ryan,” it would say to me as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. “Care for a little pick-me-up to start your day right?”

See normally I might be crawling out of bed, cursing the day for robbing me of comfortable dreamytime and lamenting that I have a job. The million things pushing their way into my mind would distract me from any possibility of morning masturbation. But if a perky, friendly voice greeted me with the possibility of having some me-time before I groggily stumble into the shower, fall over and go back to sleep? Well sir, I dare say it might just brighten my mood for the entire day.

“Why now that you mention it my darling,” I’d reply, “perhaps I do.”

The lips would curl up into a seductive smile. “I’m ready when you are,” they smoulder.

As a wonderful side-effect, of course, the technology developed to make this happen would benefit the field of robotics. No one’s going to fund realistic lip movement as long as robots are the domain of nerds with labs. But tell people they can stick their dick in them? You’ll get a $10 billion research grant. Screw disease research, this should be funded by the government.

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