Blog Hawk Down Presents: A Gentleman’s Guide on How to Ditch a Girl

First of all, this isn’t anti-Valentine’s Day. We love Valentine’s Day. You’re a cold, soulless loser if you don’t. It’s a day to share love with your friends, long-time partner, wife, or that new person you just met who is totally your soul mate and you just know it will work forever.

Anyways, about that soul mate. So it turns out that right after your lovely V-day spent together, you two didn’t work out. You need an out.

Andrew Jeffrey: For the record, we’re not trying to be hetero-normative or discriminatory to people who need to can a man, we just don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry, we can’t see things from other people’s point of view. It’s a problem.

Tyler Hein: Also, if you’re a lady, and you get dumped, immediately respond with “Well, now who am I going to get to have a three-way with my hot twin sister that you didn’t know about?” Then you win. You will always win.

AJ: Right. Because everybody knows it’s all a competition. If you’re dating without any games, how do you know who’s winning?

TH: The ideal situation would be that after your romantic tango for two, you both end it mutually and with no one hurt. But that won’t happen, so we’re here to make sure you aren’t the one who gets hurt. Because you’re reading this. So we care about you more.

AJ:  I’d take what I like to call “The Coward’s Way Out”: Slowly detach yourself until she dumps you. If she tries to set up a date, reschedule it to the least sexiest day of the week, Tuesdays. Never text or call first, and don’t call back if she leaves a message. If you see her coming your way on the street, get hit by a car. She’ll never think to check the hospital. If she talks to you on Facebook, punch through your monitor. It’s the only way to properly delete your Facebook account. When she comes to your door, jump out the window. On the twelfth story? Do a flip, at least it’ll look cool. She’ll never check the hospital twice.

TH: Really Andrew? Because I think you of all people should know that getting dumped hurts.

AJ: In the middle of the night, the wind whispers her name…

TH: Exactly. Nobody likes endings, but everyone likes beginnings. My best solution to ditching a girl is the exact opposite — keep them forever. Find one in every new town. Never get committed enough to fight so it will always be stuck in honeymoon phase. Spread the love!

AJ: Do you mean herpes?

TH: I prefer to call it love.

AJ: Wow Tyler, as shitty as that makes you-

TH: You spelled “fucking awesome” wrong. It’s a common mistake.

AJ: Oh, my bad. As big a dickbag as that makes you-

TH: This time you misspelled “cool as shit” as one word. That’s less common, and a little weird, but I’ll forgive you.

AJ: You’re manipulating emotions in your relationships. Think about what could go wrong.

TH: Why would I do that? Then I wouldn’t want to do it.

AJ: That’s kind of missing the point. And what if they find out? What if they read this blog?

TH: Shit! Wait. Oh, all this? It’s hypothetical, of course. It happened to a friend of mine. I read it somewhere, I think it was in my diary or something, I don’t know. I didn’t do it, is what I’m saying.

AJ: You could also lose her by openly hitting on just… everything. If she questions you about it, hit on her.

TH: “Did you fall from heaven? Because I don’t want to die a virgin.”

AJ:  Yeah… You’re not doing it right. “If I ask you to have sex, will the answer be the same as the answer to this question?” It never fails. It can’t fail.

TH: If you’re doing that, classy it up a bit. “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by.” Then I gesture wildly to my crotch and wink a lot.

AJ: I think we’ve changed this to getting girls.

TH: No, no we didn’t. But we do need to let our boys know how to be free men.

AJ: Tell her you have leprosy!

TH: Tell her you’re Batman and Gotham needs you before running away. Then have a friend dressed as Robin run out looking for you!

AJ: Tell her you have a blog!

TH: Take off your pants!

AJ: How would that solve the problem?

TH: What problem? My pants are off. I have no problems.

AJ: You know what the best way to ditch a girl is? Have your best friend have sex with her and then hold it over your head for weeks.

TH: That doesn’t seem like it would solve the problem at all… And I said I was sorry.

Whisper in the wind: Sadie…

Andrew Jeffrey is going to spend V-Day watching Love Actually while eating a tub of ice cream, with an empty spot beside him for someone who will never show. Tyler Hein is going lasertagging!

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