Supplied
HOW DID HE KNOW? Seriously, I thought I’d beat the smug douchebag this time.
Akinator is a big dumb jerk
Darcy Ropchan
Gateway Staff
Feb 08, 2012
Ladies and Gentlemen, the machines have taken over. I never thought it could happen, but computers have become self-aware. It sounds like something out of a science fiction movie: a computer character who knows what you’re thinking. But no, the time has come. The machines have risen.
The website, or rather the person on the website I’m referring to, is a genie named Akinator. For those of you who don’t know, Akinator is a smug prick who lives on the internet and seems to take pleasure in making you look like a bumbling fool.
Akinator likes to play the game of 20 questions; well, that’s all he does. You think of a character, living or dead, real or fictional, and he tries to guess who it is. It seems simple enough, but Akinator knows all. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant your character is, Akinator knows, and he usually figures it out in the first 20 questions. It’s actually kind of creepy how accurate he is.
You think you know how to outsmart him. “Oh, I’ll just pick the most random background character from a movie that I can think of,” you’ll say to yourself. Doesn’t matter, Akinator knows who you’re thinking of before you even know who you’re thinking of. And he tells you who that person is with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.
“I love playing with you,” he says after beating you. Can you believe the nerve of this guy? As if being beaten by an all-knowing cyber genie wasn’t terrifying enough, he rubs your face in it afterwards. He pretends like it was fun playing against you, but what he’s really saying is, “Ha ha you got beat by a computer, dumbass.”
On the extreme off-chance Akinator doesn’t know who you’re thinking of, he’ll try to play it off like it’s no big deal. Completely forgetting all those other times where he rubbed it in your face.
“Looks like I don’t know who you’re thinking of,” he says sheepishly. But I’m not letting him off that easy. I’ll never forget all those other times he made me look like an idiot. If he can’t guess who I’m thinking of, I make sure he knows how stupid he is.
I’ll laugh and mock him ruthlessly, making sure he, and everyone who’s sitting by me, knows that I beat Akinator at his own game. It doesn’t matter if it took me 30 tries, I won damn it.
“Ha I won, I’m better than you,” I yell. Nothing can stand in my way. I don’t care if I’m in the library, in class or in the waiting room at the hospital. I make sure everyone can hear my victory cry and know that I beat Akinator.
But then he makes me tell him who I was thinking of, so that the next poor sucker who tries that character fails — and preventing me from proving I won to anybody else.
Akinator is a bastard. If they can make a genie who can pretty much read your thoughts, what’s next? A robot that picks out clothes for you? I don’t need a machine to tell me what to do. If you’re thinking of testing Akinator, don’t. You don’t want him in your head. He knows what you’re thinking. Get out of my head Akinator, get out of my head.
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